Q. My ex continually tells our 10-year-old the gory details of our divorce. Our child doesn’t really understand what he’s being told and comes home with wild stories — some parts are true; other parts are completely off. How can I help my child understand what’s real without badmouthing the other parent? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Oh my. I wish I could say this rarely happens, but that’s not true. Parents often try to sway their children to “their side” after a breakup and feel that “setting the record straight” is the way to do it. But children are not miniature adults. A 10-year-old does not have the emotional or cognitive framework to process adult relationship details, especially the painful or blame-filled parts of a divorce. When those details are shared, the child doesn’t receive them as information. They experience confusion, fear and pressure to make sense of something that was never meant for them to carry.
This is where Rule No. 1 of Good Ex-Etiquette, “Put the children first,” must guide your response.
When children hear adult divorce narratives, they don’t evaluate accuracy. They try to organize what they hear in a way that feels emotionally safe — or at least makes sense to them. That’s why your child comes home with stories that are partly true and partly wildly off. His brain is filling in gaps, not to mislead, but try to make sense of it all. And, unfortunately, when he hears something questionable or that he doesn’t understand, he will try to figure out which parent is telling the truth. That’s the first step to asking your child to take sides.
Your role is not to correct your ex through your child. Doing so would place your child squarely in the middle of adult conflict, something good ex-etiquette asks parents to avoid at all costs. Even calm, well-intentioned “clarifications” force a child into an impossible position: deciding which parent’s version is right.
Instead, your job is containment, not correction.
When your child shares confusing or alarming information, resist the urge to interrogate or fact-check. You don’t need to untangle every detail. What your child needs most is reassurance that the adults are still in charge.
A grounding response might sound like this: “Getting a divorce (or breaking up) was an adult decision that your dad and I made together. You don’t need to understand the details or worry about any of it. That’s our job. We both love you and always will.”
This kind of response does several important things at once. It restores adult authority. It removes responsibility from the child. And it does so without criticizing the other parent.
If your child asks direct questions, keep your answers brief, neutral and age-appropriate. Think headlines, not explanations. “This was an adult decision.” “Adults handle adult problems.” Then stop. Over-explaining often increases anxiety rather than reducing it. If a child then pushes, reply like this: “Your dad and I simply see things differently. That’s OK. It doesn’t change how we feel about you.”
It’s also helpful to focus on feelings rather than facts. Try statements like:
“That sounds confusing.”
“I can see why that would feel upsetting.”
This teaches your child to trust their emotional experience without asking them to solve adult problems.
You cannot control what your ex says. But you can control what your child experiences in your home. When one home feels calm, predictable and free from adult conflict, children instinctively recognize it as safer.
The key here is not about correcting the story. It’s about protecting the child from having to carry it. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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(Dr. Jann Blackstone is a child custody mediator and the author of “The Bonus Family Handbook: The Definitive Guide to Co-parenting and Creating Stronger Families. She can be reached at www.bonusfamilies.com or jann@bonusfamilies.com.)
