Why You Should Text 1 Friend This Week

You probably send dozens of text messages per week. But do any of them really deepen your friendships?

For many people, the answer is no.

“We’re constantly receiving and exchanging information and communicating in some way, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that the quality of that connection is there or that the intention is there,” says Miriam Kirmayer, a clinical psychologist in Montreal who studies adult friendships. “When you ask someone if they deliberately contacted a friend via text message, they often say, ‘Wait, no, I didn’t. I texted someone to set up a play date for my child. I texted my spouse about what we’re making for dinner tonight.” But people don’t necessarily take the time to communicate with their friends in this way with intention.

Contacting one friend per week is a practical way to improve your well-being. Here’s what you need to know.

Why you should do it

People often underestimate the value of “micro-moments” of connection, like a simple greeting to a colleague or a smile to a stranger. These small interactions “can do wonders for improving our overall levels of social connection and reducing loneliness,” says Kirmayer. “It doesn’t take much, when we’re hungry for social connection, to feel a little closer, fueling and filling that need.”

Research has shown that social connections predict both mental and physical health, including protection against anxiety and depression. Even brief moments of connection can increase overall happiness.

Learn more: 8 Ways to Become a Kinder Person

Additionally, Kirmayer views exercise as a way to strengthen your social muscles. This helps you feel more comfortable with initiating (being the first to reach out); find ways to stay in touch over time; manage conflicts; learn to be vulnerable; and ask for what you need. Every time you text a friend, you perfect the complex art of being a good friend.

What to say

When Kirmayer gives speeches about friendship in the workplace or at community events, she challenges attendees to take out their phones and send a message to a friend in the middle of the event. This way they can’t say they will and never get there. Someone always asks him how to write the text. “The liberating advice I give is that it doesn’t really matter,” she says. “What usually stops us from sending the message is that we get caught up in this perfectionist mindset: ‘This has to be the RIGHT message; it has to be witty or extremely interesting or so deeply personal and juicy that, of course, they will respond. » When you revise a message in your head a million times, it starts to seem so daunting that people often give up on the effort altogether, she adds.

That said, Kirmayer has some helpful advice for those hungry for direction. It’s a good idea to incorporate some personal specificity into your message, she says. Instead of saying, “Hello, I’m thinking of you,” explain why. You could phrase it like this: “Hello, I’m thinking of you because I read something by this author and I know you loved his latest book.” Or: “I was just thinking about how amazing this conversation was when we had coffee a few months ago, and I wanted you to know I’m grateful.”

Learn more: How to make a long distance friendship work

“The more you can tie it to something specific about that person, the more it communicates a level of authenticity and genuineness that people really respond to,” she says. “It’s also a way to make people feel seen and appreciated, and it can be a powerful spark of connection.”

Also ask yourself why you are contacting this particular friend. Do you want to get together? Would you like to set a time for a phone call, so you can connect in a more meaningful way? “When you’re clear about not only who, but why, that can potentially illuminate the message,” Kirmayer says. Consider these examples: “I’m thinking of you and I’d like to know, can we plan a lunch for the next few weeks? Or: “I’d like to know how the project you’re working on is going. Do you have time to make a phone call one evening this week?”

Give it a spin

If you find that you enjoy contacting one friend per week, make it a permanent habit. You can challenge yourself further by texting a different person each time. “For some people, it might be worth asking the question: ‘OK, now should I try something new?’ What’s the next rung on this ladder that I’m climbing when it comes to improving my social skills or my social health?” says Kirmayer. If you want to diversify the experience, expand your network, and hone your ability to connect with multiple people, add different people to your contact list.