I moved abroad to live with my wife, but I’ve come to hate her country | Family

I met my wife almost 20 years ago when I temporarily worked abroad. We have instantly clicked, I got married a few months later,, And should decide in which country we lived: his or mine. For a crowd of reasons – especially with Work – We chose his. Fortunately, I managed to find a job there, and After a few years obtained permanent resident status. At a level, that was all good.

By moving to my wife’s country, I abandoned my favorite career and A large part of my social network. I can take care of that. But the great challenge I am faced with is thatWhile I never liked it a lotI now hate the country I live in. I Intensely hate behavior, dominant attitudes, the social and political environment, the city I have to live, and so on. I just hate that, but I’m stuck here for practical reasons related to my wife’s work and The education of our son. (We would not be able to afford international tuition fees to study in my country of origin, so coming back is not an option.)

It makes me very depressed; I feel powerless to make changes that would support my well-being. My friends tell me to smile and endure it, to ignore the troubles, but I can’t escape them. Suggestions on what I can do to improve my situation?

I’m sorry you hate if you live so much. You did not say where he was nor named your country of origin.

However, I was interested in the magnitude of this: “click it instantly”, the quick wedding and the suddenness with which you started to help where you live (although you never liked). What happened? I felt that it was the key, even if it was just something that unleashed a hatred that had developed and suddenly does not seem durable.

I went to see the psychotherapist Mark Vahrmeyer, who thought that your letter showed “someone who does not seem to think very well about his needs. I am not surprised that you felt depressed. [that don’t make you happy]. Was there a lot of discussions between you and your wife, not just where you live, but what kind of life would you be built on?

Is there something practical that you can do? Often, when we are mired in a problem, we do not indicate anything to do, but even in the most rooted positions, there is generally room for maneuver. Are your son’s tuition fees the only thing that holds you back? I guess you are talking about Uni / College – Are you sure that is what he will do? You may have to ask yourself what you feel if you stay where you are – so unhappy – and what it would do to your relationship with your son if he keeps you there. Or is there anything else?

There was very little mention of your wife. Vahrmeyer wondered “what does your relationship look like and if you tell him about this? Is there a chance to retire in the near future”-when you may live in your country of origin-“or to travel more?”

I am sure you know that no country is perfect, and I wonder how ideal you would feel that you would feel if you live there now. Even in the most wonderful place, there is frustration and misfortune. The problem remains, however, that you are deeply unhappy and that you must examine not only why, but also what it evokes in you beyond evidence. I could not overcome the feelings of resentment in your letter and how long they simmered.

“It’s something to talk to hate somewhere, but how,” asked Vahrmeyer, “do you talk about your needs? Do you want you to want to be available from where you are now? Can your needs be satisfied with other ways?”

You have clearly traveled, but I felt passivity; It can happen with depression, but maybe you have accompanied life and now realize that you have to take control of certain things. Maybe you might think about where you would like to be in five years, how you would like to live, what you would like to feel and work back to see how you could get there. But to do this, you have to look not only your immediate feelings, but where they come from.

You could find these useful podcasts: what means belonging; And should we move?

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our terms and conditions. Annasa’s latest series of the podcast is available here.