How sorry are you? Why learning to apologise well could save your relationships | Psychology

GOt something to say sorry? Here are words that do not take place in your apologies, according to those who spent years analyzing them: “It was not my intention”. “What I meant was”. “Sorry, you misunderstood”. And any use of the word “obviously”.

Marjorie Ingall and Susan McCarthy call it “Bad Excugo Bingo”. They heard a lot as co-authors of sorry, sorry, sorry: the case for good excuses and the Sorrywatch blog, where they criticize public apology. “We have examined so many studies, from so many different areas, on what makes effective apology,” explains Ingall.

After more than 10 years of Drylwatch, they have also seen so bad apologies that they guarantee excuses from them. “‘Sorry if’, ‘sorry but’, ‘sorry, I forgot that you don’t really have the sense of humor on this subject’ … The line between the explanation and the excuse is very porous and very thin.”

To their best, excuses can not only repair relationships, but make them more resilient. The problem is that they are difficult to do – or at least do well. An unspecified or moved word can not only fail to guarantee forgiveness, but worsen the situation.

How can you say sorry and transmit that you really speak it-and why do we find that so difficult?

“In general, we want to feel good about our skin and for people to think positively about us,” explains Karina Schumann, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Pittsburgh, who has largely studied the science of excuses.

By taking responsibility for injuring someone’s feelings or spoiling at work, we threaten our image of ourselves as moral or competent. “We really find it difficult to associate with these unjustified actions,” explains Schumann.

To complicate the questions, the blame is rarely in clear, even when we accept, we are at least somewhat at fault. “It can be really difficult to say:” Yes, I am responsible “when I see you too – or the situation – as responsible.”

You can reference these extenuating circumstances in your apologies, says Schumann – it must “be done very carefully”.

Often people who have been injured find it difficult to understand why, “Why did this person do this to me?” Is it because they don’t appreciate our relationship? Did they try to hurt me intentionally? ”

This ambiguity can worsen harmful feelings and create larger rifles. According to Schumann. “But you must always accept the responsibility for the damage and the consequences.”

Various studies have identified a certain number of stages to effective apologies, from five stages to seven. The frame of Schumann has eight, even if it considers them more as elements on which you can draw, depending on the situation and the particular offense, than the stages that you must follow. “I would never advise to go through a control list,” she says.

Sometimes recognizing the evil you have caused will be the most urgent part of your apologies; Other times, the emphasis will be placed on the repair of the relationship. “It will be really important that this person feels that you agree to no longer behave in this way, that it was a unique error,” explains Schumann.

An essential but often neglected step is actually to say the words “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”.

“They need to hear this very clear and strong signal,” explains Schumann. “If it is missing, then you can say everything else, and some people may not record it as an excuse.”

Likewise, she continues: “There are certain words which immediately undermine the value of the excuses.” One is “but”. “People hear the defensive, as opposed to responsibility.”

Even if you have points to withdraw from your chest, it may be better to hold back until you are firmer. “We tend to want excuses to be this immediate solution,” explains Schumann. “What they should be is a signal for a broader repair process and the commitment to restore the relationship.”

This should not be made explicit, says Schumann – but implicit in apology is often a commitment to make better in the future. “What is really important with these promises to behave better is that you have to save it and live by what you say. And, if you don’t think you can, don’t say these words, because it will turn around.”

Where to say more can help (rather than embarrass) your apologies is to be aware of the impact on the other person. “You have to specify what you are sorry for and show that you understand why it was hurtful,” said Ingall.

In addition to demonstrating empathy and self-reflection, this gives the other person a chance to clarify. No matter what they have to say, it is important to listen, says Ingall. “What people want the most is to be heard and understood … The excuses do not concern you; It is the recipient. “

Offering repairs can help communicate your altruism, adds Ingall – and these can take many forms, such as flowers. After she and her husband fight, he begins to work on jobs in the house or takes more cooking. “He’s not great with words – but he does the acts of service,” says Ingall.

Research suggests that your apologies can indeed be more convincing if you are considered an effort – but it can go beyond gifts and household chores. A study revealed that people perceive excuses using longer words (but always common and easy to understand) as being more authentic.

Shiri Lev-Ari, the author of the newspaper, says that she is received in time or money investment in the modification. “If the person disturbs to apologize, you can say,” Okay, she means it. ” »»

The fact that we seemed to understand intuitively this reflects our attention to navigating these nuanced social dynamics, Lev-ARI says: as much as we could strive to apologize, a large part of what makes it effective (or not) is wrong and even subconscious. “Without realizing, we also choose words because of their forms, such as the duration of their time, not only what they mean.”

Gender split is less important than you think. According to Schumann research, women report more frequently apologies than men, but it is not because they are more arranged or capable.

Rather, this reflects a difference in perception, she says. Men simply have higher thresholds than women with regard to an offense worthy of apology, Schumann noted. When this threshold is reached, “they are just as ready”.

It is distinct from the stereotype that men are prevented by their ego for apologizing, even when they know they are wrong, underlines Schumann. For a study, she asked for couples (heteros, married or cohabitants) everyone to hold a daily newspaper of an offenses worthy of apologies that they have committed or were committed against them. The accounts have only aligned 35% of the time.

“It really testifies to the need for people to communicate,” says Schumann. “The majority of the time we are injured, it is not by malicious intention.”

One way to make your excuses more effective is to demonstrate a real effort to understand the point of view of the other person. Instead of assuming you know what they feel, Schumann says, ask questions. “Open the space to find out each other.”

All experts agree that apologies can be scary, even for the most apologetic and empathetic person. This does not help that we do not often see it well modeled.

Most public apology tend to concern public relations rather than real remorse. The leaders in fact learn to divert responsibility. And, although parents can fight in front of their children, they often consist in private.

When Ingall and McCarthy began to write Sorrywatch in 2012, their goal was to make fun of the non-apologies of celebrities. The project has become more civic post-Trump. “We wanted to show that apologies are really an act of force.”

A good excuse, after all, requires vulnerability: it is an admission that we have failed to respect the standards and shared, says Ingall. But it is also a tool by which we can repair the links, strengthen them and show how much they mean for us.

“Should you never apologize if you are not sorry?” Sometimes – if you appreciate the relationship more than right. “