The best support for a friend with cancer? Presence, listening and space to vent : NPR

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This year, more than 2 million Americans will hear the frightening words: “You have cancer.”

Let’s say that is someone you know. You may be wondering, what is the best thing to do or say? … Or not say?

Too often, survivors and defenders say that well -intentioned people are mistaken.

People could, for example, want to put a happy face on bad news, or try to connect by offering stories of other people with cancer – who may feel out of words or hurtful, explains Kara Kenan, spokesperson for the national coalition for cancer survival, which has recovered from her own fight with breast cancer a dozen years ago.

“The number one complaint is when other people who are well intentioned and share”, I know what you are going through; My grandmother had cancer … and, moreover, she died “”, says Kenan.

What is worse, however, is when people disappear without a word, perhaps because they don’t do it know how to answer. Chelsey Gomez, a 7 -year -old survivor of Hodgkin’s lymphoma in Deland, Florida, experienced this with some of her closest friends and even the younger brother she joined.

“I cried more than cancer many times because I felt so alone,” she said.

The phenomenon is so common that many cancer patients call it “cancer ghost”, and several cancer survivors declared that NPR was more painful than the treatments themselves.

So, what are the right basic rules for those who try to support themselves without inadvertently adding to the person’s charges?

Here are some tips compiled from some Patient defender, doctors and survivors:

Handle

People often feel particularly linked to the language by responding to the diagnosis of someone’s cancer, in part because they are afraid of interfering or offending, or because it raises old trauma or new frightening possibilities: What if they die? Can I have cancer?

“All these feelings appear for people and they do not know how to face it, so how they take care of it,” said social worker Carissa Hodgson, who directs community support programs at Bright Spot Network, a support group for parents with cancer. It is important to manage these anxieties and recognize that each experience is individual.

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And remember, if it is scary for you as an II or a family member, acknowledge that the person with cancer faces a greater fear. And they need connection and presence – even if you don’t know what to say, the simple fact of being there, say many experts and survivors.

Kenan, spokesperson for survivor cancer Group, was 35 years old and a young girl with a 4-year-old girl when breast cancer reorganized her life. Some friends have disappeared, but others have intensified, she said.

“Friends of my childhood, my adult life, from all over the country at different times, stretched out, and for me, it made a huge difference,” she said, in terms of preventing him from feeling somewhat normal, or at least not alone.

In fact, social isolation is one of the most common and underestimated side effects of the cancer known and can affect not only a person’s mental health, but their ability to fight disease.

Ask and listen to instead of talking

It may seem very difficult and scary, approaching the subject of someone’s diagnosis, explains Kenan, which could be the reason why some people choose to disappear.

Knowing the person can guide you to understand how they could generally manage difficult subjects. But if not, or if it always seems annoying, Kenan says it is better to recognize tension and simply ask If the patient wishes To talk about it. If they do, she says, listen: let them let off steam.

“Be ready to be there if they TO DO I want to talk about it, “she says, which can mean sitting with their pain, anxiety, sadness or any other uncomfortable emotion that the person could express – without Offering comments or a comparison.

She says, simply: “that fears” is enough, she says, as an answer that transmits a simple sympathy and understanding.

“There is a difference between listening to answer and listen just to listen,” explains Kenan who, a dozen years later, is without cancer and lives in Wilmington, NC. She now teaches others to communicate and support cancer patients by teaching professional courses for “cancer coaches”, who help patients navigate in various aspects of life during and after treatment.

Jump comparisons and platitudes

Sympathetic people often want to transmit their understanding by sharing their own stories or their invited advice, says Kenan, but that may have the impression of neglecting the person and the details of their experience. The experiences of cancer people vary a lot, so evoking stories from others is not only out of words, it could stir up fears for the patient.

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Kenan admits that it is uncomfortable to hear someone that you care about having trouble, and there is a natural impulse to want to make it feel better. But offering pink platitudes like “you are going to beat this” could land entirely in the wrong direction.

“It gives me the impression that some of the darkest things that I face are not ok,” says Kenan. She could feel the person’s eagerness to whiten his pain, which made him feel more alone to face a situation.

Sometimes she wanted distraction and feels normal again, she said, but she also needed friends she knew could help her treat the most difficult emotions.

Be precise in your help offers

“Let me know if I can do anything to help,” is one of the most common and well-intentioned answers when learning a person’s difficulties, but it is in fact not very useful, because this leaves the burden on the patient to ask, or to think about a list of ways in which the person can help, explains the oncologist Arif Kamal, patient officer with the American Cancer Society.

“Present yourself in really specific and practical ways and know what you are ready to do and simply offer it, you are much more likely to make someone take you on this subject than if you simply say:” Let me know how I can help “, Kenan.

Food is an excellent example of favor that can go wrong. Imagine: Five friends could present themselves the same day with lasagnas in sets which must then be washed and returned. Lasagna may not meet the patient’s food requirements, or maybe their children do not like it.

“I take a pizza for my family, still like the pepperoni and could I put one”, is a much more specific offer that requires little response or coordination can be much more efficient, explains Kamal. He also opens the door to the person to find an alternative: “Not tonight, thank you, but next Tuesday would be charming.”

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In some cases, technology can be useful. Kamal says that the American Cancer Society plans to develop a system based on applications that will allow patients with cancer to connect with neighbors ready to volunteer to help them, by leading them to appointments, for example or to baby-sitting children so that they can rest.

Kenan says that she likes applications like the meal train that allow users to select from a menu of food needs, delivery times and favorite methods, so that families get exactly what they need.

Continue support after the end of treatment

More people survive cancer because of better medicine. But Kenan says that it is important to remember that side effects and other challenges can persist long after cancer has been erased.

“Everyone famous, they sound a bell,” she said, about the fanfare typical of treatment centers to mark the end of treatment. “Everyone is like” yes! You beat it! “, And then they come back to their normal life. And this survivor is like:” It’s not over for me. “All their lives has changed and they will continue to need support.”

Continuous support, however, does not necessarily mean that meal trains must continue indefinitely; Often it simply means to remember to honor how cancer has left its mark. Many survivors say that they must continue to be able to talk about their experience or treat how it affected them.

Kenan says that one of his favorite forms of support comes from friends who tell him that they have obtained their cancer projections or who continue to plead for research.

“It is so powerful for me that the survivor to see other people intensify their own health and intensify others,” she said. It feels like love.

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