Prolonged grief complicated by obsessive-compulsive disorder – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: My cat died in 2013. Everyone said I treated him like a child. He got so sick, so suddenly, that it freaked me out so much.
Then my father died out of nowhere in 2018. I wanted to die to be with him, because he was my best friend.
Now I’m afraid of losing someone at any moment. I have OCD and all of my rituals are aimed at keeping my mother, sister, husband, and current cats safe and alive. I text my mom constantly and if she doesn’t respond for a few hours I panic.
I started crying and hyperventilating if she didn’t send her usual morning “I’m fine” text when she always does, ready to drive to her apartment, ready to find her body.
How can I stop this?
Please don’t say see a therapist. I had one for many years, then she left the practice. I don’t have the energy to start over with someone new. I had seen at least 13 or 14 before her, and they were mostly crap.
I’m not interested in trying again, plus I have very, very little free time due to my work schedule and numerous doctor appointments for all the health issues I have.
But my OCD about this is getting even worse. So any advice you have on how to stop obsessively worrying about everyone dying is appreciated.
– I want to stop worrying
Dear Concerned: I understand how exhausting starting therapy can be. But from what you’ve written, it’s clear that some form of intervention is necessary.
Obsessive compulsive disorder and its symptoms can be treated with psychotherapy, but also with medication and, sometimes, intensive outpatient programs. So, since you’re already working with medical providers, talk to them about your other options.
You are also going through intense grief at this time. Although you may not get everything you need from a local or online grief support group, please seek one out. It is imperative that you have options to process the emotions you are feeling. Your anticipated grief is directly related to the grief you have related to your cat and your father.
We cannot cure grief – it is its own process and everyone’s process is unique. But you can change your relationship with him so that he has less power over your thoughts and actions. It is possible to find relief.
Dear Eric: I’m ashamed to admit it, but I hate my three stepchildren. The girl is the main antagonist. Let’s call her Mabel. She is a striking example of a narcissistic personality: egocentric, dramatic, incapable of putting herself in the place of others.
At first, her younger brothers were much more welcoming to me, but they were always distant when their sister was around. Not even a smile when the self-proclaimed queen bee was there.
Unfortunately, all hell broke loose when my husband and I had to undergo unexpected major surgery that same week. Despite our desire to be surrounded by family during our recovery, Mabel had every excuse possible for not being able to visit or help us.
Yet she called her father every day to ask him many personal questions related to our finances and her expected inheritance.
This deeply hurt my husband and me. He has always been a devoted father.
No matter how much I documented how rude and mean his children were, my husband couldn’t stand up. He asked me, “What should I do? I don’t want to alienate them by begging them to be nicer to you. I love you but don’t ask me to choose.”
I told her the problem is I can’t stand being in the same room with her.
Do you think my position is too harsh? I appreciate your thoughts on how I could remedy this situation before it gets even more out of hand.
– Not the evil stepmother
Dear mother-in-law: Your husband’s fear of alienating his children by asking them to be nicer to you is frustrating: Kindness, or even civility, is not a difficult ask, and it is often imperative in stepfamilies for a parent to set expectations and navigate complicated emotions.
But, for better or worse, that’s the relationship he has with his children. So, you will find more peace in agreeing to have a separate relationship. You may not be able to get through this without being in the same room as Mabel, but establishing a healthy internal boundary may seem cordial but low-involvement.
This may also involve putting away the infractions document. Your goal is not to convince your husband that his children are bad. Your goal is to prevent whatever happens between them from impacting your relationship with him.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
