10 Ways to Gracefully Change the Subject in Any Conversation

You’re sitting there, happily pouring mashed potatoes onto your plate, when Uncle Larry starts expressing his unique opinions on politics and the conspiracy theory he read on Facebook that morning. Or a deep, room-by-room dive into her cat’s gastrointestinal issues. Or how angry he still is that his great-great-grandmother Mildred left him out of her will 30 years ago.

It’s time to change the subject, but doing it gracefully is an art. “It’s not about distancing yourself or avoiding someone,” says Chad Littlefield, co-founder and chief experience officer of We and Me, an organization that aims to help leaders, educators and event organizers facilitate better conversations. “We want to redirect without breaking connections.”

We asked experts exactly how to change the subject so seamlessly that no one notices.

“I hear you. Hey, what’s everyone thinking? Will the Lions get the W this week?”

One of the best ways to avoid a conversational landmine is to make a comment like “That’s interesting” – or even more neutral “I hear you” – followed by a quick leap to safer ground.

“You want to acknowledge what was said, and then you want to move on,” says Jayson Dibble, chair of the communications department at Hope College in Holland, Michigan. “You don’t have to agree with someone to recognize that.”

This approach works because conversation norms generally prescribe taking turns; one person can’t do all the talking, which means that when someone uses their turn to mention something you’d rather not discuss, you can then use yours to address it in a way that doesn’t take sides but is still appropriate before moving on to a safer topic. Plus, the stock speaker won’t feel ignored, Dibble says.

“We can talk about politics every day. What I’d like to know is when did Grandma invent her top secret cranberry sauce recipe?”

Going nostalgic is an almost foolproof strategy, says Dibble: Everyone loves talking about the good old days. You might approach the conversation like this: “We only get together once or twice a year in a large group like this. I’d like to know more about some people’s favorite Thanksgiving memories.” Or: “Tell us some stories about your first Thanksgivings.” »

Learn more: 7 polite phrases that are always worth saying

“If you’re wondering where to turn, you can always turn to nostalgia,” says Dibble. “It’s easy to think back on a wonderful memory and get them talking about it and invite more people into the conversation.”

“Whoa, that’s above my pay grade: I’m just here for the food!” »

Humor is a coping tool and a great way to defuse tension in almost any situation. That’s why Joy Parrish, therapist and Senior Therapy Manager at Headspace, likes this way of recognizing an inappropriate comment and making it clear that this is not the time or place. “You do it in a way that’s like, ‘I love you, but we’re not going to go,'” she says.

“Okay, let’s take a break. Does anyone need a refill?”

Sometimes the best way to end a conversation involves a physical distraction. “Even if there are a lot of people around the table, having someone get up and leave distracts from what’s going on,” Parrish says. “That concentration is immediately broken.” By the time you sit down, everyone’s mood and attention span will have been reset, and you can tackle new, more enjoyable topics.

“Speaking of politics, who’s hungry for meatball subs right now?”

What the politician doesn’t do Do you want to hear about a juicy, foot-long sandwich? Nothing, and that’s the point. One of Littlefield’s favorite ways to change the subject is to pivot with a non-sequator, delivered in a playful way that makes it clear you’re aiming for humor. “Laughter can totally purge the nerves in a room,” he says. “When you say, ‘Speaking of politics,’ or ‘Speaking of very controversial topics at Thanksgiving, let’s play Taboo,’ it’s a very obvious redirection without breaking the connection.”

“You mentioned [noteworthy detail]. I’m so curious, what’s the story behind this?

If you listen carefully, even during the briefest conversation, you’ll realize that there are countless nuggets you can follow up on. Maybe while talking about politics, your aunt mentioned the town she grew up in. So why not ask her what it was like living there, or how often she comes back to visit?

Learn more: 10 Questions to Ask Your Parents While You Still Can

There’s just one requirement for this approach: “Your question must be rooted in your natural, authentic curiosity,” says Littlefield. “If you’re just doing this to escape, it’s not going to work,” because people will be able to tell and react accordingly.

“I’ll think about it.”

These four magic words can defuse almost any situation, says Parrish, who considers them his favorite communication tip. What if someone tries to sell you something? You will think about it. Cousin Brady wants you to join his church, vote for his favorite candidate, or lend him a large sum of money? You will think about it too.

“You don’t say no, you say you’ll think about it,” she said. “It leaves the door open and you don’t have to resolve the situation right away.” This allows you to change the subject to something with much lower stakes.

“I love you, I’m just not comfortable talking about this. Can we talk about the Lakers instead?”

Sometimes you’ll have to be “brutally honest” and set a boundary, Dibble says. If a family member does not understand, tell them directly that you are not ready to continue the discussion and that you want to talk about something else. “You don’t have to feel bad about it; you didn’t say anything bad about Uncle Larry,” he said. “You haven’t set aside his beliefs. You haven’t taken away his right to think. You’re just saying, ‘I’m not comfortable going today.'”

“You’re always very thoughtful about things like this, and I can tell you really care. Speaking of which, you made this amazing pie last year, didn’t you?”

Complimenting someone can help ease the transition away from a hot topic. If you have strong opinions about what Grandma talks about, it can be difficult to find such kind words, Parrish acknowledges.

Learn more: How to reconnect with the people you care about

But if you can do it, take into account that she’s obviously put a lot of thought into whatever she’s passionate about, and then move on to something else that same dedication translates to, like cooking or decorating. “You move toward a more holistic approach instead of focusing on that one thing they want to talk about,” she says.

“We see things differently, and that’s okay. What matters most to me today is that we’re all together.”

It’s the kind of feeling we could all benefit from telling ourselves more often. Parrish thinks it means, “I really appreciate you being here today,” which means a lot to the recipients. “It’s important to recognize that we have other things that connect us in such deep and meaningful ways that this one opinion will not cause division,” she says. “You can’t argue with me saying, ‘I really, really just want to spend time with you today.'”