Whitney Port Opens Up About the Reality of Being a ‘Sandwich Caregiver’ for Her Aging Mom and Young Son

Whitney Port, 40, plans to become a caregiver for her mother, who has experienced a decline in her cognitive health. The former reality TV star, best known for her time on The hillsis also raising an 8-year-old son, making her a sandwich caregiver, a term for someone “sandwiched” between caring for aging parents and young children.

These sandwich caregivers face increased risk of mental and physical decline due to the stress of providing intense care. In an interview with Health, Port shared her experience so that others in similar situations – about a quarter of Americans – could know “it’s okay to ask for help, to feel overwhelmed, to not have all the answers.”

About a year ago, Port and his siblings began to notice changes in his mother. Instead of one “aha” moment, Port said small behaviors — “repeated stories, forgotten details, moments where she just wasn’t like her” — started to add up.

“The turning point was seeing how daily tasks were becoming increasingly difficult for her and how much energy it took from all of us to help her stay organized and safe,” Port said. That’s when she and her siblings began providing regular care and arranging in-home care when they were unavailable.

Port said starting the conversation about caregiving with her mother was emotional: No parent wants to feel like they’re losing their independence. It wasn’t perfect, Port thought, but they were gentle and honest, and led with love. “Instead of saying ‘you need help,’ we tried to say things like ‘we want you to feel supported and we want to enjoy our time together instead of always solving problems,'” Port said.

As adult children begin caring for aging parents, tension between siblings can become an additional stressor, research shows. Disagreements over decisions, roles and responsibilities can accumulate to stress and erode relationships, as well as parental care. Port, who is one of five siblings, explained how his family managed to find a rhythm.

Early in the process, her siblings received weekly calls to discuss what their mother needed, who could take on what, and what was next. “They were emotional and sometimes filled with tears,” Port said. “At one point, it felt like every sibling conversation revolved around caregiving.”

Eventually, they began to divide and conquer: one sibling handles the medical side, another handles household chores, and another checks in emotionally. “My advice is to over-communicate, assume good intentions and remember that everyone deals with changes in their own way,” Port added. “No one will present themselves the same way, and that’s okay.”

As a sandwich caregiver, Port’s daily life is “a mix of going to school, work, calls with my siblings, checking in on my mom and trying to squeeze in a few moments that feel like me,” she said. “I’m learning that the goal isn’t balance, it’s presence.”

When she was learning to manage the chaos, Port said one tool that helped her was Care.com’s Senior Care Advisor service (Care.com is owned by Health parent company, IAC). Port and his siblings were matched with a master’s-level social worker who provided personalized counseling and connected them with the home health aide.

“Providing care comes with a lot of unknowns, from what’s available to what’s covered to what you don’t even know to ask for — having someone to talk to has made such a difference,” Port said. “It was like having a partner in the process, which took away a lot of fear and uncertainty.”

Beyond the day-to-day logistics of care, Port had to deal with the many emotions that arose: “The sadness, the guilt, the gratitude, the overwhelm — sometimes all of that in an hour,” she said. Research suggests that sandwiched caregivers may be more likely to experience declines in their mental health. For Port, it helped to recognize these emotions and talk about them instead of bottling them up.

But stress can still have physical consequences. Port said it manifests in his body as “tightness in my chest, restless sleep, and this constant, low buzz of worry.” She found relief from these symptoms by walking, getting outside, and connecting with others. “I’m learning to be aware of my body before I reach the point of burnout, not after,” she added.

Overall, sandwich caregiving can be isolating and intimidating physically and emotionally, but Port hopes sharing her experience will make others feel less alone. “What ultimately made me want to share was realizing how many people are in the same place, raising children, working, taking care of their parents and trying to hold it all together emotionally,” she said. “Caring for yourself is one of the most loving things you can do, but it’s also one of the hardest. Talking about it makes things a little lighter for all of us.”