Friend urges us to see her play in drum troupe – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: About 14 years ago, our son was seriously dating a woman that my wife and I really adored. We both thought she would be a great wife and daughter-in-law.

She became the daughter we always wanted to have.

It was then that the unspeakable happened. She cheated on him. They separated, but remained friends, but she claimed she adopted us as parents. She was estranged from her father and rarely spoke with her mother. She came to visit us alone.

My son was pretty cool with it and she always came to family dinners and events, even when my son brought a new girlfriend. She then moved far away for work, but we stayed in touch all the time by phone and internet.

Then my son got engaged to a wonderful woman who we love very much. But when he found out we were still in close contact with the other woman, he threw a tantrum and practically demanded we drop her.

Now we are so torn. After 14 years of relationship, do we let go of this woman who is now part of our lives? There was practically only us in his life.

What do we do?

– Second parents

Dear Parents: The first thing you should do is perhaps the hardest: talk to your son and ask his honest opinion about the last 14 years. This explosion didn’t come out of nowhere. You write that he was doing “pretty well,” for example. This raises big questions. How hurt was he all this time? Has he ever tried to talk about it? What’s pretty OK?

Give him space to express his feelings, acknowledge them, apologize if and when appropriate, and then talk about what happens next.

It’s not really fair for him to dictate who you can and can’t be friends with, but he has a painful past with this person, so more caution and a clearer boundary will be necessary.

It all starts with clearing the air with your son. Simply letting go of your ex won’t solve her problem, and it will only cause more pain for you and her. But this foster parent relationship was built on shaky foundations, so you’ll have to dig before you can build.

Dear Eric: A beloved member of my close group of friends joined a drum troupe that performs at events around town. She’s always group texting her best friends and telling us where she’ll be and when and urging us to come.

I understand showing up for my creative friends when they perform (or write plays!) or play in bands (even mediocre 70s rock covers). I make the effort to be there to support.

We all came when they played at No Kings Day. I thought I had fulfilled my obligation, but no. She keeps asking us to come see more shows. I’m happy for her that she found something that brings her joy, but it doesn’t bring us joy. Watching a drum troupe doesn’t appeal to any of us. None of us want to hurt her. I feel very guilty because she came to several of my storytelling gigs. How should we handle this?

– Super Herd

Dear Trouper: I don’t think the group should address this issue at all. It certainly wouldn’t hurt to hear his close friends say en masse that they no longer want to attend our performances. And there’s nothing wrong with your friend’s enthusiasm. If it needs to be addressed, it needs to be done individually.

Two big questions here: what do you expect of yourself in terms of attending friends’ events, and what do you expect of your friend in terms of her friends? If, for example, she invites you because she thinks you’ll enjoy it, the expectations are different than if she invites you because it helps her put on a friendly face. Basically, are you there to be an audience member or are you there to be their friend?