Neighbors and acquaintances crash private parties – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: My partner and I are elderly and we occasionally have small gatherings, or what I intended to be small gatherings. The last two gatherings turned into large gatherings due to other people being brought in by the guests.

I know the uninvited people, but as an acquaintance.

Neighbors who live in our neighborhood see the cars coming to our house and simply come over. I’m very reluctant to do more entertainment now. Any suggestions?

– House too full

Dear Home: It will help to be proactive in communicating what is possible and what is not. For example, the next time you send out invitations, you can include a friendly but clear disclaimer like, “We’re keeping this gathering small, so please invite-only this time.” Or you can be even lighter, “we know our parties are the events of the year, but please check with us before bringing anyone else.”

You can use the same tactic with your neighbors, perhaps over the phone or in person. “We wanted to let you know that we will be hosting a few people so you can see the cars in the neighborhood. This is a small gathering, so please don’t feel offended that we don’t have space for you. However, we would love to meet another time.” (You can choose to exclude this last sentence if it does not apply. You are not required to offer alternative packages.)

Some people may need a little more firmness, however. A neighbor simply deciding that he or she is invited to a neighborhood gathering suggests either presumption or a “Sesame Street” level of neighborly familiarity (this is not a bad thing at all. But, as your letter reflects, sometimes it is a turnoff.) So, if a neighbor shows up, even after you’ve communicated your intentions for the event, you may have to turn them down, with a smile.

Dear Eric: My son-in-law suffers from alcoholism and it is very difficult for me to see my daughter struggle with some of the same issues as my mother. (My father was a reformed alcoholic for most of my young life, but also angry, critical, and difficult to get along with.) My daughter’s husband is not of the same temper as my father, so fortunately she is not afraid that he will physically harm her or their two daughters.

He misses family gatherings, especially during holidays, he often sleeps all day after drinking most of the night. His 12-year-old daughter made him feel bad for being in bed so much. He and my daughter have argued about this in the past, but I think she has given up and accepted that something terrible will have to happen for him to seek help.

He went to a rehab center for two weeks but left because the weekends were “boring.”

I don’t believe his drinking affected his work. His schedule is very flexible and he works from home most of the time.

I know I can’t cure him, but part of me wants to try something. He probably thinks that since his daughters don’t see him drinking that he doesn’t hurt them, I personally know that’s an illusion on his part. And I don’t think he realizes how much his drinking affects the entire extended family.

Personally, I lost a lot of sleep worrying about him, my daughter and my granddaughters. An intervention is on my mind. Do you have any thoughts on doing this sort of thing without professional help? Some kind of tough love approach?

– Family in crisis

Dear Family: You are right that one person’s drinking problems can and do affect the entire family. And your personal history with someone who abused alcohol and struggled with society makes your son-in-law’s behavior particularly triggering. As you know, you can’t force someone to get sober and stay sober unless they want to too. So while there are various interventions that may work temporarily – from a formal intervention to separation – you can have a greater impact for now by focusing on the health of other family members, including yourself.

To that end, I suggest that you and your daughter attend a meeting of SMART Recovery Family or Al-Anon, groups for people whose friends or family members struggle with alcohol. They are available online and in person. There you will meet others who understand what you are going through and who can help you create healthy boundaries for you and your granddaughters. There is also a group called Alateen, which can help your granddaughters understand what is going on.

Regardless of how your son-in-law chooses to approach his unhealthy relationship with alcohol, it is important to remember that the family also needs help in recovery. You don’t have to be held captive by his decisions; Help is available now.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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