Differing religious traditions create confusion in friendship – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: I am an African-American man in my 60s. No one would call me the most religious man on the planet, but the aisle of the church wouldn’t open and swallow me if I walked in.

I have a white friend, proud of his Jewish heritage, who I have known since we were children. He spends as much time in synagogue as I do in church (which is to say, not much), but he still considers his religion his badge of honor.

Admittedly, as a somewhat non-observant person, I am not aware of the Jewish holidays. He calls me all the time saying, “Hey, aren’t you going to wish me a happy Hanukkah or a happy Rosh Hashanah?”

This evening he sent me photos of a religious festival. I did some modest reading in AI but couldn’t find a Jewish holiday celebrated tonight. How do I get my old friend to take a cold pill?

– Not religious

Dear Non-Religious: It seems like he is trying to share some of his culture with you. Some Jews do not practice or consider themselves particularly observant, but have deep ties to the cultural traditions and history of Judaism. This is very important, as with any other cultural tradition – racial, ethnic or religious.

So when he says, “Wish me a happy Hanukkah,” he may be saying, “this is a big part of who I am, and it would be meaningful for you to see and recognize that.” » Next time, maybe consider asking “what are you doing for Hanukkah/Purim/et cetera? Tell me what that means to you.” You can also just say “Happy Hanukkah” and leave it at that.

For holidays that you don’t recognize, you can ask: “What holiday is this?” The Internet is also a good resource. I don’t recommend using AI for information gathering, but there are sites written by humans, like Judaism 101 (jewfaq.org/jewish_holidays), that list the major holidays and provide explanations of their importance, if you’re curious.

Dear Eric: My husband and I have enjoyed hosting parties at our house for years. Some guests like to bring a bouquet of flowers to thank us. It’s a very nice gesture, but to be honest, it’s an inconvenience to take care of the flowers while greeting other people and finishing last minute preparations for the gathering.

As an alternative, a small potted plant or flowers in a pot would be another way to thank hosts without creating extra work.

Of course, we always thank our guests who bring us bouquets, but would it be rude to give them a vase and scissors and ask them if they can arrange the flowers? Your thoughts?

– Lover of flowers and friends

Dear Flowers and Friends: I don’t think it’s rude at all. Some guests like to have something to do while the hosts finish preparing dinner. If you can set them up with what they need and they won’t be in the way in the kitchen, give them a vase without hesitation.

Dear Eric: I am a retired ADHD therapist specializing in adults, families and couples. I also have ADHD. I wanted to write about a letter from “Tired,” whose friend was recently diagnosed with ADHD and started using it as an excuse for a new habit of being late, among other things.

The diagnosis, while liberating in some ways, is an explanation, not an excuse. Most of my clients with ADHD have worked very hard to learn coping skills that will help them get through life and work.

Many behaviors can be managed successfully. (The timers on our phones work wonders.) This Tired “friend” needs some accountability for her behaviors, and when she was diagnosed, she should have received counseling on symptom management.

Dr. Daniel Amen has written several excellent books about ADHD, including advice for families with children and adults with ADHD.

I’m sorry Tired is going through so much stress. Perhaps it’s time to re-evaluate her own needs in this relationship, since her friend is showing so little compassion.

– No excuses

Dear No Excuses: Thank you for this insightful perspective. One of the issues the original letter writer struggled with was the desire to show compassion and the feeling of being let down by a friend. And compassion goes both ways. Although situations such as lateness cannot always be avoided, it is important to recognize and take responsibility for the impact of our actions on others. The health issues we face don’t make us bad or good, but it would greatly benefit this relationship if the letter writer’s friend said, “I know I kept you waiting and I know it’s frustrating. I’m sorry.”

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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