Navigating conversations with children about war, conflict and other traumatic events

The latest conflict in the Middle East is developing quickly and is deeply complex, which can make it difficult for children to make sense of the events they see unfolding on social media, hear adults chatting anxiously, or experience in real life. Experts say exposure to war, even indirect, can affect the way children think, feel and behave.

Child psychologists and developmental experts say talking about it can help.

“Sometimes adults think that if they don’t talk about something difficult, then it doesn’t exist. But we know that’s not the reality in children’s lives,” said Rebecca Smith, global head of child protection at Save the Children, an international aid and rights organization. “Ignoring or avoiding the topic of conflict can cause children to feel lost, alone and afraid. … It is essential to have open and honest conversations with children to help them understand what is happening.”

Below are suggestions for having conversations with children about war and its impacts.

Experts recommend starting with what a child might know about what is happening in Ukraine, Gaza, Iran, Israel, Sudan or other parts of the world before trying to allay any feelings of fear, sadness, anger or anxiety.

Some children may not know that fighting has intensified between the United States and Israel on one side, and Iran and its proxies on the other. Other children may be more aware than their family realizes and suppress their emotions. Children visiting or living in directly affected Middle Eastern countries will have seen weapons lighting up the sky and may know that people were killed or had to leave their homes.

“For some children whose missiles are now visible in the sky, this could be an entirely new and terrifying experience,” Smith said. “When events like this occur, they disrupt the child’s and family’s sense of security. What once seemed stable and secure may suddenly seem uncertain.”

To help children manage their emotions, adults they trust also need to take care of themselves, experts say. Guidance from the National Child Traumatic Stress Network indicates that adults sharing their own feelings with children can be an opportunity to convey their personal beliefs and values ​​about how to treat others. The key is not to assume what children might think or feel.

If children don’t want to talk or aren’t ready, experts suggest adults remain patient and tell children they are there for them.

“It is necessary to respect children’s ability to refuse to communicate, their ability not to speak or not to tell something. Because they may have their own feelings, their own states, which they may not want to share,” said child psychologist Nataliia Sosnovenko, speaking in Ukrainian. Sosnovenko works with Voices of Children, a Ukrainian organization that provides psychological support and documents the experiences of the country’s children during the years of war with Russia.

Some children may share what they have seen or heard, what they are feeling, or ask questions when given the opportunity. Experts say this is when adults should validate their feelings and honestly address what’s happening while taking into account their age and maturity level.

The American Psychological Association recommends giving children basic, age-appropriate information about war and conflict, and addressing upsetting images, headlines, or conversations they’ve been exposed to without going into detail that might make them unnecessarily anxious. But ultimately, parents know their children best, experts say.

Families who have loved ones in the area may need to take extra time to discuss the safety of their loved ones and friends, as well as the difficulty of uncertainty. Families in the area themselves may need to have a plan in place for what to do in the event of a separation. Save the Children experts recommend keeping it simple and implementing the plan calmly.

Depending on their age, some children can understand the idea of ​​two countries fighting. But young children living abroad may not be able to distinguish between what they see on screens and what’s happening nearby. For children in the United States, the war in Iran may seem much closer than it is if they frequently see images on television or social media, meaning they may need reassurance that they are safe from danger.

Older children are likely to understand the war and its consequences, which means they might be more concerned and have more questions, according to the American Psychological Association. Adults may want to consider focusing on what is within their control and giving children some freedom of action, such as supporting humanitarian efforts, staying informed, and combating misinformation.

UNICEF, the United Nations agency that provides humanitarian aid and long-term support to children around the world, believes it’s okay not to have all the answers.

In Lebanon, some families have found refuge since Saturday in a brick school building. Nora Ingdal, Save the Children’s country director in Lebanon, says children have many questions about why the conflict started and when things might return to normal.

“This girl was clinging to her mother and looking at her mother and asking, ‘Mom, why are they fighting? Why are they attacking us?’ The mother looks at me, but has no response. Then she asks, “When are we going home?” Again the mother looked at me,” Ingdal said. “I told him, ‘It’s okay to say you don’t know, you can’t guarantee anything, but I’m right there with you.'”

While some global agencies say children should be aware of what’s happening in the world, experts say adults still have a responsibility to keep young people safe and limit unnecessary exposure.

Parents are encouraged to pay attention to how children are exposed to current events. The younger the child, the less exposure they should have, according to the National Child Traumatic Stress Network.

Some agencies recommend turning off the news altogether or limiting conversations about distressing events with other adults if children can hear. Others recommend taking the opportunity to educate children about the importance of information, telling them where to find accurate facts and how to identify when something is not true or misleading.

Save the Children says caregivers can practice responsible digital behavior, encourage children not to spread harmful or graphic information and remind them to think twice before sharing potentially inaccurate or emotionally triggering content.

It’s important for people caring for children living in conflict zones to remember that some children don’t know the pre-war times and don’t have the ability to disconnect from what’s happening around them, Sosnovenko said. This is where professional help can support conversations and education.

“During the war, the type of people who came to us changed,” she said. “Thanks to the improvement of the psychological culture of the population, people began to understand that therapy is important. Nowadays, most people, including children, need the help of a psychologist.”

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AP journalist Illia Novikov in Kyiv, Ukraine, contributed to this story.