A social worker explains how to support survivors of the recent floods

On July 4, 2025, floods in the county of Kerr, Texas, won children and whole families, leaving horror in their wake. A few days later, the sudden floods struck Ruidoso, in New Mexico, killing three people, including two young children.

These are not only devastating losses. When death is sudden, violent or when a body is never found, sorrow is tangled with trauma.

In these situations, people are not only crying death. They have trouble with terror in the way it happened, unanswered questions and the shock engraved in their bodies.

I am a social work teacher, researcher in sorrow and founder of Young Widowhood Project, a research initiative aimed at expanding scholarships and the public understanding of the loss of premature spouse.

I was a widow when I was 36 years old. In July 2020, my husband, Brent, disappeared after testing a small flat -bottomed fishing boat called Jon Boat. His body was recovered two days later, but I have never seen his remains.

My personal losses and my professional work showed me how trauma changes the mourning process and the type of support that really helps.

To understand how trauma can complicate sorrow, it is important to understand first how people generally react to loss.

Sorrow is not a set of steps

Many people still think of sorrow through the psychiatrist’s goal, Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, the five stages of grief, popularized in the early 1970s: denial, anger, negotiation, depression and acceptance.

But in fact, this model was originally designed for people faced with their own death, not for mourning people. In the absence of research accessible in mourning in the 1960s, it became a leading framework to understand the mourning process – even if it was not intended for this.

Despite this poor application, the steps model has shaped cultural expectations: namely that sorrow ends once people reach the stage of “acceptance”. But research does not support this idea. Trying to force the sorrow in this model can cause real pain, leaving people in mourning feeling in “bad” mourning.

In reality, mourning is often for life. Most people go through an acute period of overwhelming pain just after loss. This is generally followed by integrated sorrow, where pain softens but loss is always part of daily life, returning in waves.

Although sorrow is unique to each person and each relationship, researchers have found that mourning people often strive to) give meaning to death; b) adjust to a world without their beloved; c) form a continuous link with their loved one who died of new ways; and d) Understand who they are without their beloved.

It is difficult and sometimes disorienting work, but most people find ways to wear their sorrow and continue to live.

When sorrow and trauma collide

However, some losses carry an additional layer of pain, confusion and trauma.

Sudden, unexpected, accidental, violent or deeply tragic dead – like those experienced during recent floods – can lead to what researchers call traumatic mourning: sorrow which is disturbed by the traumatic nature of death.

People with traumatic mourning often support a longer and more intense period of acute mourning. They can be haunted by disturbing images, nightmares or implacable thoughts about how their close is dead or suffers. Many are fighting with dread, spiritual disorientation and a feeling of broken security in the world.

Some of these deaths are also considered to be “ambiguous” – unconfirmed or unclear losses, such as when a body is never recovered or too damaged to see. Without physical confirmation, mourning people often feel stuck in disbelief and helplessness.

It was true in my case. Not to see my husband’s body left part of me suspended between knowing and not knowing. I knew he was dead but could not believe it fully, it doesn’t matter how much I lived with the reality of his absence. For a long time, I surprised myself to repeat these words every morning: “Brent is dead. Brent is dead.”

In many cases, these reactions are not in the short term. Many people affected by a traumatic loss remain overwhelmed and sometimes deficient physically and emotionally for years. Symptoms can weaken over time, but they rarely disappear.

Support people in mourning

Traumatic mourning can be unbearable. Many people in mourning fight against intense and durable reactions who can let them feel helpless, modified or even unrecognizable for themselves. They may seem removed, forgetful or emotionally drained because their systems are overwhelmed. Adaptation can be disorderly or self -destructive, but they are often survival strategies, not conscious choices. I also saw how these same difficulties become more survivable when mourning people do not have to wear them alone. If you support someone with a traumatic loss, here are three ways to help.

• Make room for horror. Listen without starting. Recognize the total weight of what happened and terrification and difficulty in loss. It means saying things like: “it should never have happened” or “what you went through is beyond the words”. This means staying present when mourning talks about what haunts them. Let them know that they don’t have to wear this alone. You can feel the desire to say something hope such as “at least the body has been recovered”, but there is no silver lining in these cases. Instead, say: “I can’t say anything to solve this problem, but I’m not going anywhere.”
• Help them find other people who may understand. Trauma can be isolated. Mourning people often feel only exceeded or confused. Support groups, peer companions and therapists trained in the treatment of sorrow and trauma can offer the type of recognition and validation that even the most dedicated friend may not be able to provide.
• Take care of yourself too. Being present for someone in deep sorrow takes energy, especially if you have been personally affected by loss. Stay connected to reconstruct people, practices and routines. If you don’t, you can also start undergoing trauma. Take care to help you stay anchored so that you can introduce yourself.

I believe that supporting someone through traumatic mourning is one of the most significant things you can do. You don’t need perfect words or plan. What supports them will not be advice or solutions, but your simple and powerful act of stay.

This article is republished from the conversation under a Creative Commons license. Read the original article.