What Hilary Duff Taught Me About My Own Estranged Sister
I felt a wave of relief the first time I learned that Hilary Duff wasn’t in contact with her older sister, Haylie. It’s not like I want there to be conflict between the two, of course, but I know how having an ex-sister can feel like a shameful family secret. And although membership in this strange club is common, it is rarely made public.
If you’re as obsessed with pop culture as I am, you’ve probably also noticed the subtle signs that something was wrong with Hilary and Haylie for years. Once inseparable from the early teen scene (even co-starring in the 2006 film Material girls), the sisters haven’t been photographed together since 2019. Then there was some subtle discord when Haylie liked The Cut’s Instagram post promoting Ashley Tisdale French’s controversial essay about leaving her “toxic” Hollywood mom group. A group that included Hilary, Mandy Moore, Meghan Trainor and other big names. Confirmation has finally arrived with Hilary’s new album lucky…or something like thatwhen she revealed that her track “We Don’t Talk” was a reflection on her relationship with Haylie.
In his recent Charm On the cover, Hilary opened up about her family dynamic, saying, “Just because you’re born into a family doesn’t mean it always sticks together. You can only control your side and your street… I’ve had a very complicated life, and my parents went through a very complicated thing. I know that’s not uncommon, and I think it goes back to the theme of ‘Why share now?’ I guess I just felt ready.”
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As I approach the one-year anniversary of not having contact with my own sister, I recognize this specific brand of discretion. I know the wave of shame that hits when a stranger innocently asks, “How is your sister?” and the usual reluctance of my response: “I don’t know.” We haven’t spoken in a year.
We are told that sisters are innate best friends, assigned at birth. There is a high-level feminine code that insists that these sisterly bonds are unbreakable, demanding that we do whatever it takes to stay united, no matter the cost to our own peace.
It’s different with brothers. From Shakespeare to Successionwe were raised on the trope of “warring heirs.” When Prince William and Prince Harry exchange passive-aggressive blows or the Beckham brothers’ breakup makes headlines, it’s interesting but not shocking. We’ve effectively given men “permission” to let their egos fight openly for so long that it’s become something of a legend.
Hilary admitted On Purpose with Jay Shetty podcast that his estrangement is “a very raw part of my existence.” For me, navigating the dual role of big sister And eldest daughter, this rawness looks like an open wound. Older daughters are raised to be responsible girls, overachievers who never make waves. As Taylor Swift sang, we are the “first lambs to the slaughter.” We are the heads of the family; At home, the job description was clear: be the bigger person, let it go, move on.
