How To Tell My Unvaccinated Family They Can’t Meet My Baby?
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My husband, children and I live with my in-laws for three months before moving to Germany. It’s going surprisingly well, except for a recent conflict with my brother-in-law.
One evening we were all playing Go fishingexcept for my husband, who was on the couch playing on his computer. So I said, “Oh, you want to play your game instead of engaging with your family?” Mischievous. An invitation. Not mean.
My BIL apparently disagreed because he said, “He’s my brother. I know him better than anyone.” No one would know what happened next, because I said, “OK. And he’s my husband.” Then I swallowed my anger and played Go fishing. I feel like he was trying to censor me. Like I don’t have the right to tell my husband when he’s being a little antisocial.
It’s been two days and I’m still furious. Either I have to talk to him or I won’t like him for the rest of my life. What should I do?
Talking to him might be the way to go, if you think there’s something about this interaction that’s worth revisiting. Hating him for eternity seems less ideal. But I think there’s a fertile middle ground that’s not explored here, so I’ll propose a different path: Would it be better to let this go?
I say this because the interaction as you describe it doesn’t seem that extreme. He tried to butt into a conversation he shouldn’t have, you called him out on it, and then you both moved on. No names were called, no insults thrown, no tables turned over Teresa Giudice style. Little quarrels happen in families! They do not always warrant an autopsy.
What would be Justifying an autopsy is whether this incident is related to a larger problem you are having with your BIL. Is he in the habit of controlling your tone, inserting himself into your marriage, putting you down, etc.? ? If something like this happens, a meeting makes more sense.
But if it’s just a game of Go Fish gone wrong, I’d give it up. You know that rule that you should never go to bed angry? It’s only for couples. With your in-laws, you can definitely go to bed crazy sometimes. A few good nights’ sleep and you’ll probably be done with it.
This in itself is not a problem. It’s more a question of etiquette. I wrote to “Miss Manners” of the Washington Post, but she did not answer me.
When I invite friends to dinner, I would like to specify a time limit: for example: “Please come to our house for dinner from 6:00 p.m. to 9:30 p.m.” Is this really a rude thing to do, or could this be acceptable?
First of all, it’s an honor to be treated to Miss Manners’ sloppy seconds. THANKS. I’m not an authority on etiquette, but then again, is anyone? I don’t really understand how one becomes an expert in the field. Is there some sort of graduate program that you can take while being very polite?
Anyway. My personal view is that an invitation is not rude if it is genuine. You are doing a good thing by offering to host your friends for dinner; you should be allowed to set a few parameters to make it more feasible for you. There is of course an art to how you frame it. Less “GTFO at 9:30” and more “It’s early in the morning, so you’ll have to pack around 9:30”.
Of course, your guests can decide if these settings interest them. They might decide that an early night out isn’t worth the long drive, or the cost of a babysitter, or having to miss the final of Summer houseetc. And that’s very good! You can have the night you want and they can have theirs.
But the people who show up will be ready to enjoy a good dinner and a good night’s sleep. You will eat together rather than alone. If this somehow violates etiquette, then what is etiquette for?
Looking for a subtle way to let your guests know it’s going to be an early night? Here is a sample invitation you can use:
Do you have any tips on how to respond tactfully and clearly to family members who want to meet your new baby when they and their children are not vaccinated and it makes you uncomfortable/feeling insecure?
I love them dearly and don’t want this to cause a rift in our relationship, but my child’s safety is my top priority and this doesn’t seem like a conversation that can simply be avoided.
You shouldn’t have to protect your loved ones from the consequences of their decisions, but I don’t want to be the only force standing between Aunt Jessica and her new nephew. So I say rely on an outside authority: your pediatrician.
“We would love to have you meet the baby, but our pediatrician recommends [insert their actual advice here, or make up whatever the hell you need in order to get these people off your back]. I will let you know as soon as we know it is safe for us to meet.
If your loved ones resist, simply continue to refer to the almighty expert in charge. “I hear what you’re saying, but we’re going to follow our doctor’s advice. I hope you understand.”
Repeat this until they become exhausted or die of a preventable disease, whichever comes first. Good job protecting your child.
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