Mom wants relationship with adult sons without being overbearing – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I have two sons at the start of the thirties. Recently, my eldest son got engaged to a wonderful woman at the same age, whom I love as a girl.
Although our relationships are good, I noticed that my desire for close family ties has strengthened as I get older, especially in recent years, when I live several hours of travel from my blood family. I really want to continue an active interchange with the three. At the same time, I don’t want to seem mom who hangs them.
How to determine the right frequency for occasional texts, sharing, etc.? What else can I do to stay part of their lives? I want to be a warm and welcome presence, not a trail.
– Mom in love with borders
Dear mom: It is such a beautiful concern and because it is rooted in love (and the right limits), I suspect that you have less to fear that you do not think so. What is most important to remember is that you are an equal part of the mother-son relationship and you can ask for what you need.
Yes, your sons continue to develop and establish their lives, but you are always one of these lives. And, probably, a very welcome to that. Good relations thrive on clear and open communication. Sometimes it means calling, sending SMS or visiting when you wish and let them adjust the pace as needed. Other times, that means having a conversation on the level of contact that is good for all the people involved. You may notice that they are not big on SMS, but welcome telephone calls, or vice versa.
You are not a burden. And it will be easier for your sons to continue to show you their love if you let them know how life changes for you, just as they let you know how life changes for them. Continue to talk to them, keep listening to what they ask and continue to share what you need to feel loved and also supported.
Dear Eric: Sarah and I have been friends for 20 years. Meanwhile, our families have become close, even on vacation together on several occasions.
At the start, I was also a household mother, as she is, but now I hold a job where I keep very long hours and I am responsible for the well-being of more than a hundred very vulnerable people.
I tried to stay in touch, even if my life has become more busy, and it tends to fall to me to organize meetings.
In the past year, I underwent the loss of a parent. Now, I support my remaining parent, who is rapidly decreasing to health, as well as the payment of invoices and the organization of home care. This requires frequent visits to several hundred kilometers away. My husband also had important health problems and required a lot of support. Sarah is aware of all this.
Two months ago, I received a text from Sarah repressing me for my lack of attention. She said that if we could take time for each other when the children were small and life was busier, then she did not understand why I was not taking the time for her now. Eric, my life has never been so busy!
I answered as kindly as possible, and I proposed several suggestions to catch up with us, including inviting him to my house for dinner. I haven’t had any response since.
My instinct tells me that it is not friendship and that I should go away quietly and focus on the many other concerns and responsibilities that I have. Sarah is very volatile – she cut me once for more than a year due to a slight imagination. However, I really care about Sarah, and I fear that she would not really hurt.
Am I in evil here? Should I try again to reach out? Or do I accept that more than 20 years of friendship are now over?
– overwhelmed
Dear exceeded: Trust your instinct. Sarah can, in fact, hurt, but it is not because of everything you have done. In addition, by hurting you, she created chaos when what you need is a care. She is not a good friend right now and I’m sorry for that because you need a friend. What you live is incredibly difficult and trying. These periods of our lives require empathy and active support of those who love us.
Although it is unfair, take his recent silence as a gift. At some point, when you have more bandwidth, you may want to speak with her how her behavior affected you. And I hope she is able to make amends. But for the moment, focus your energy on people who may arise for you and help you carry your charge.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
