The Worst Things to Say to a Narcissist

Talking to a narcissist – whose behavior is characterized by the grandiosity, a constant need for admiration and a lack of empathy – is the ultimate example of navigating in conversational terrestrial mines. Say the bad thing, and they will probably become defensive, to reverse the blame on you or someone else (anyone except himself) and will try to obtain even by inflicting emotional pain.

This is especially true if you pronounce these words: “You are not so special.”

“There are so many things in this statement that is active for a narcissist,” said Samantha Potthoff, an authorized wedding and family therapist in Beverly Hills, California, who works with people with narcissistic personality disorders and family members. “This indicates a defect, which threatens their self -image. This not only challenges their own story and their way of seeing each other, but also the way they want to be seen. ” In addition, she adds, it triggers “the terror of being ordinary, invisible or emotionally insignificant”.

Here are other sentences that are wary when you speak with a narcissist – no more advice for better communication.

“No.”

One of the fundamental characteristics of a narcissist is the right, and being deprived of something they feel that they must threaten their feeling of superiority, explains Dan Jones, who directs the black triad and the climate laboratory of corporate at the University of Nevada, Reno, which studies the personality and the environmental forces which lead the obscure side of human nature.

“At work, a narcissistic colleague asking you to make their report will attack if you say” no “, explains Jones. “You become the worst colleague of all time.” Your colleague will loudly deplore the fact that he must do AllAnd complain about how they just asked for a little favor.

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It would be better to write your answer like this, he adds: “I cannot devote time to that now, and I don’t want to make you look bad.” Unlike a simple “no”, it does not downright threaten the narcissistic ego, “says Jones, increasing the chances of a more favorable result.

“You are wrong.

Certainly, no one likes to say that they are wrong. But it is particularly embarrassing for a narcissist because he calls into question their sense of authority or infallibility. “This is an accusation, which will immediately evolve a defensive,” explains Potthoff. “You imply that they do something that is not correct, that they are defective, that they are less than – and it will really be triggered towards someone’s ego.” Consequently, they will probably be launched in manipulation tactics, she adds, such as gas lighting or clandestinity.

“It’s so cute when you try to manipulate me.”

If you feel impertinent – or you just have enough – you could get back to the narcissistic of your life. Maybe you even add: “Keep trying! It’s entertaining for me.”

This could do good at the time, but it is better to avoid this type of approach, explains Nicole Herway, a therapist of Murray, in Utah, who works with survivors of narcissistic abuse. “Putting against a narcissist can put you in a dangerous position,” she says. “The worst thing you can do is make fun or laugh at them”, and these words are both lowering and sarcastic. Anything that damages the ego of a narcissist makes them vulnerable, adds Herway, leading them to unleash and become more aggressive.

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It is preferable to act indifferent or not to give an answer at all, which is a strategy called “gray swing” – so named because it requires behaving like a dull and uninteresting rock for a narcissist to leave you alone. If they try to insult you, for example – »you wear that dress? “- Answer with something short and non-engagement, like” HMM. I like it. “Or if they tell you that you suffer from a situation outside proportion, you can answer:” Hmm. Okay. “

“You want to be bland and boring and have little facial reaction,” says Herway.

“No one cares.”

The narcissists need to feel important, says Potthoff – and these three words nourish their fear of non -record. “They must associate with important people, and they must be important themselves,” she said. If you make a comment as “nobody cares”, you directly dispute their feeling of swollen superiority, while retaining the attention and admiration they covet. This will trigger a defensive storm, says Potthoff.

“Why can’t you say sorry?”

On the surface, it seems to be a simple and honest question. But for a narcissist, it is a trap, known as Kali Murry, an authorized social worker in Long Beach, California. “Excuses require vulnerability and responsibility,” she says, the two narcissists tend to avoid because they threaten their carefully constructed self-image. Murry saw this question ignited the defensive, the gas lighting and the denial of any reprehensible act. “It requires emotional work that they are not arranged – or capable – to give,” she says. “Instead of promoting repair, this generally leads to more conflicts.”

What to say instead

When you talk to a narcissist, adjust your expectations accordingly: your conversation partner probably lacks empathy, so you should not ask for emotional validation, explains Dr. Gil Lichtshein, psychiatrist in Boca Raton, Florida. “You don’t want to fall into this trap,” he says.

Keep your neutral tone, which helps prevent the situation from degenerating, and clearly indicating (and respecting) your limits. Otherwise, “You negatively strengthen their behavior,” explains Lichtshein. It is also a good idea to avoid arguing on opinions or emotions – which can be twisted – and to stick to the facts instead.

If you find it difficult to tighten a word in the conversation, it may be useful to say: “I hear that it matters a lot for you. Can we also make room for my experience? ” “This reduces their defensive instead of increasing it,” explains Potthoff. “You tell them:” I see you, I hear you “, so they don’t feel attacked.”

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You can also say it as this: “I respect your point of view, and I also have another that I would like to share.” The word “respect” can go very far, Potthoff says: “Giving a little validation is really useful for opening their ears to hear the second part of the sentence.”