Appointment buddy or meal planner? 4 ways to support a friend with cancer : NPR

Illustrations by Kristen Uroda for NPR

When I was in middle school, I spent hours sitting in a dark closet in my bedroom on the phone with my cousin. We gossiped about our crushes, using their secret code names. We would share funny stories about our families. He was someone I could count on to make me laugh.

Last year, my cousin was that person for me again. But this time, I was sitting in a chemo chair with an IV in my arm and a freezing cap strapped to my head to preserve my hair follicles. My breast cancer diagnosis hit me like a rogue wave. But my cousin was there with me, holding my hand and making me smile.

Having cancer at 34 was shocking and life-changing. But despite all this, I never felt alone. The people in my life were there for me in so many different ways. Their constant support kept me going.

It can be difficult to know how to present yourself to someone with cancer. But from my own experience and talking with other cancer survivors, I’ve learned that the best thing you can do is think about what you’re good at and what you, in particular, could offer yourself right now.

Even if you don’t know anyone with cancer right now, it will probably affect someone you love. The National Cancer Institute estimates that 39% of Americans will be diagnosed with cancer at some point in their lives.

Here are four specific roles that friends and family members can play when caring for a loved one with cancer. They each address a critical need often experienced by cancer patients.

Role #1: Doctor Appointment Buddy

Early in my cancer diagnosis, I would meet with many doctors to get second and third opinions. I wanted someone there who could take notes and ask follow-up questions.

I asked my friend Zoe Saunders to come with me to meet my surgeon. She’s an audio producer, so she has a lot of experience guiding hosts and journalists through interviews and summarizing what was said.

We prepared a list of questions in advance, and then during the appointment, she let me take the lead. She checked off the questions as she came along, then wrote notes from the visit in a shared document.

⭐ This role could be for you if …you are organized, detail-oriented and comfortable in medical environments.

This is also an important role for someone with a medical background. NPR listener Rich Coker, whose wife Maya was diagnosed with cancer in 2024, says having a few doctor friends accompany them to early appointments was invaluable.

“They asked questions that we wouldn’t know to ask given our shock at how current and new these systems are,” he says.

Role #2: Procedure Buddy and Patient Advocate

You can also accompany your loved one to their exams, surgeries and radiotherapy and chemotherapy appointments. These will be a little different from a standard doctor’s appointment, as they are less about asking questions and taking notes and more about providing emotional and physical support and advocating for the person if necessary.

When I had chemo, I spent seven hours in the hospital. The cold cap felt like I had a frozen bowling ball attached to my head. I was in pain – and I was cold – so it was important to have someone there who felt comfortable warming me and who wasn’t afraid to talk to a nurse and be a little pushy if I didn’t get the medication I needed.

I also wanted someone who could make me laugh and who wouldn’t find it weird when I started praying the rosary. I had four infusions, and I brought one person per visit: my dad, my mom, my godmother, then my cousin.

⭐ This role could be for you if… you’re the kind of person who is comfortable with physical contact, sitting in silence, praying, or even bringing your best comedy routine (depending on the person’s mood). You must also be prepared to advocate for your loved one if necessary.

Role #3: Companion after surgeries or infusions

I had chemo on Fridays and the following Mondays were always the hardest for me. My friend would bring me lentil soup because I wanted it – and because it was creamy. After chemotherapy, people often develop mouth sores and lose their sense of taste, and the creamy texture can be comforting.

She also brought me small gifts, like a scarf with pasta shapes on it, to cover my head when I was losing my hair. While I was lying on the couch, she sat on the floor and held my hand.

⭐ This role could be for you if… you have a strong stomach (you might see blood, burns, or healing incisions) and if you are able to be mentally strong despite seeing your loved one at their lowest point.

Role #4: Housekeeper and meal planner

One of the greatest gifts you can give someone going through cancer treatment is to take on some of their daily mental load. Here are some ways to do this:

• Offer to bring dinner. This saves them a trip to the grocery store and the energy needed to cook. It also saves them from thinking about what they are going to eat tonight.
• Instead of asking, “What can I do?” ”, make a specific offer. Don’t give your friend the extra task of assigning You a task. Say: Hey, can I come do some laundry for you? Walk the dog? Do you bring yourself a smoothie?
• Coordinate friends who want to help. Coker says that when his wife Maya became ill, a friend created a calendar “where people could sign up to take our kids to their activities or accompany my wife to her appointments and chemotherapy treatments.” This took away some of the planning of daily life.
• Take initiative. NPR listener Indira White, who was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2023, says a friend would come to her house and “just start doing the dishes or putting something away.” It was really helpful.”

⭐ This role could be for you if… you are good at organizing and planning, and ready to take initiative.

One last tip

Whatever role you end up filling, remember that you don’t have to be the person who makes it all better for someone or offers them the perfect pearl of wisdom.

Debra Jarvis, podcast host The Last Word: Conversations with People Facing Deathhospital chaplain and breast cancer survivor, says you might ask your loved one this simple question when you talk to them: “Where are you with all of this today?” she said.

“So wait. Maybe they’ll give you an answer. Then I’d say wait a little longer, and then the real answer might come out,” she says.

You may not always know what to say to your friend, but curiosity is a good start.

The digital story was edited by Malaka Gharib, with art direction by Beck Harlan. We would love to hear from you. Leave us a voicemail at 202-216-9823 or email us at LifeKit@npr.org.

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