She’s often on her phone – Chicago Tribune

Dear Anna,

I am in a polyamatrous relationship with my two -year -old girlfriend, and we see each other once a week due to other partners and our working hours. I fully understand that it is often exhausted when we finally meet, and I am well with discreet dates like ordering to take away and watch TV. The problem is that even during our limited period together, it is often on her phone, scrolling without thinking about the place of connecting. When I asked if we can have a “quality time” – which means that phones, a real conversation, perhaps a physical affection – it becomes defensive and acts as I criticize that we only see each other once a week. This is not at all what I mean. I appreciate the time we have; I just want us to really be here For that. How can I remove this without her feeling attacked? Is it unreasonable to ask for individual attention when we already have so little time together? – Connection of envy

Dear CC,

I went there. Once upon a time, I had an “meeting” with my girlfriend of the time. We were supposed to watch “Star Trek” (or maybe it was a British game show, Memory’s Fuzzy). Her husband was sitting next to us, tweeting on her laptop. She was deeply in a game on her phone. The only one to watch Kirk and Spock are competing for homoerotic on channel players? Me. I remember thinking: why did I come until I was ignored?

So first: you are not unreasonable. A date – be it dinner, Netflix or Mario Kart – should have some attention, connection and intention. Many people think that “sharing a sofa” is the same as “sharing”. But it is not always true. Especially if one of you or the two area entirely on a different screen.

So it would be good to clarify exactly what you mean by quality timeIf you have not already done so. But we will get there.

It is not anyone’s fault. Just bad communication. And I would say that it is frustrating to apply for a vulnerable connection and to make your partner heard instead, this is what happened to me during my solitary date “Star Trek”.

Here’s the truth: you don’t ask too much. You ask for the bare minimum. Presence. To see, to choose, to have importance in the short time you have together. In a poly relationship – where the hours are already rare and divided – the quality of these hours becomes everything. Losing even that for the endless parchment of a phone is … sad, frustrating and too relatable.

But don’t mean it. Telephones are numb devices. She is tired, it is maximum, and for her, the zoning on a screen could look like a survival. However, your need for connection is real and valid.

When you ask for quality time, it hears “what you give me is not enough”, even if what you really say is “I miss you when you sit right next to me”.

Here’s something to try – in a calm moment not During the meeting party:

“I love our time together, even when we just extended on the sofa. Lately, I realized that I was looking for more connection – no more hours, just more We In the hours we already have. Could we try something little together?

Then, make it a low pressure experience: “And if, just for the first hour of our appointment, we both put our phones in another room? We don’t have to make it a big deal-we can always eat or watch TV. I just want to feel, for this hour, we choose.”

Framing it as an experience with limits gives you some QT parameters. You do not ask him to give up his decompression ritual, just to change it slightly so that you both get what you need.

What if she still bristles? It is important and will require a deeper conversation. Like: “I hear you feel criticized when I raise this. It is not my intention, but I want to understand why asking a presence looks like an attack. What are you afraid of really saying?”

Anyway, you don’t fight phones – You find out what’s below. It may be the guilt of a limited time. Maybe it’s professional exhaustion. It may be something else that she hasn’t expressed yet.

The goal is not to win this argument. It is to translate your solitude into a language that it can really hear. Because right now, you are both talking about different disconnection dialects.