Brother bullies siblings over aging mother’s care – New York Daily News
Dear Eric: My mother is living her last months of life. For three years, she has been cared for at home by increasingly expensive home care providers. Me and other siblings repeatedly suggested that she be placed in a nursing home for 24 hour care, but our older brother (we’ll call them Jimmy) firmly refused, saying that nursing homes let people die and neglected patients and caused huge bedsores and all kinds of terrible exaggerated excuses.
Well, now that Jimmy’s mother-in-law is going to a nursing home, Jimmy has decided it’s time for our mother to go too.
We had family meetings where we would decide as a brotherly group how to care for our mother, and then Jimmy would go against the group’s decision. Before the conflict over our mother’s care, I had a good, although not close, relationship with this sibling, but now I am so frustrated by the selfish choices made regarding our mother’s care that I am ready to say goodbye forever once Mom is buried.
Should I let years of bullying about taking care of our mother be the reason I cut off all contact with Jimmy?
– Frustrated little sister
Dear Sister: It is truly unfortunate that Jimmy is coping with the stress, confusion and heartbreak of this phase of life by refusing to cooperate and resorting, as you write, to bullying behavior. Maybe in his mind, he’s the one keeping the ship in good shape. Maybe he longs for a version of life that is no longer possible. I have empathy for him and for you, but the fact is that whatever his intentions, he has caused damage to your relationship and that needs to be repaired.
Don’t interrupt him, but talk with him about how you’ve interacted in the past. There’s no need to rehash old conflicts, but it’s okay to say something like, “I don’t like being conflicted about Mom’s care. I want us to have a different relationship in the future. How can we achieve that?”
Dear Eric: My husband and I moved to a new city last year and were looking forward to making friends. We became close to another couple, “Susan and Mike,” quite quickly and saw them often. However, I realized after several months that while I enjoyed Susan’s company, Mike was not someone I felt comfortable with.
He’s a heavy drinker and he makes sexist and racist comments that make me cringe. I’ve reached out to Susan a few times to suggest doing solo things, but unfortunately they’re pretty joined at the hip.
She contacted me several times over the past two months to ask about our next meeting, and each time I claimed we had conflicts but did not suggest alternative dates. She contacted me again today and I feel bad.
I can’t continue to avoid them, but I don’t know how to put some distance between us without creating ill will. Honestly, I think it’s not the best policy here, but maybe I’m just trying to avoid the inevitable.
– Separate the couple
Dear couple: On Monday I published a letter with a slightly similar problem and replied that, alas, one cannot divorce someone else’s husband. The same is true in your case. Additionally, I think it would be wise to accept what Susan is communicating to you. If she and Mike are a package deal, warts and all, it will probably help you to think of them that way.
I know that Susan’s presence is more tolerable to you than Mike’s – and, from what you’ve written, for good reason. But it doesn’t do you much good to think about how ideal your friendship would be if you could just keep Susan away from him. This won’t happen. Indeed, if he says racist and sexist things and you cringe, but she doesn’t, Mike may not be the only one with these opinions.
I don’t want to malign Susan’s character. And it’s not okay to hold someone responsible for their spouse’s actions, but it sounds like she views this as a couple’s friendship. And so the truth for you is that it doesn’t work. I find candor works best when a friend continues to reach out, even though it can be difficult at times. The alternative – a slow drift or escalation of cases of ignorance – risks creating just as much ill will. Instead, consider telling the truth. “We love you and have enjoyed being friends with you, but it’s hard to accept some of Mike’s comments, such as [X] And [Y].”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
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