Why do I feel lonely even when I’m surrounded by a festive crowd?

As we enter the festive period, one Dear David reader is fearing loneliness this Christmas. It’s not that she lacks friends or family, she says, but that she sometimes finds the forced merriment of work parties and family gatherings to be alienating. “I feel like I’m the only one not having fun,” she says. “I don’t want to party, but I struggle to get into the party spirit when I’m already struggling with my mental health. I end up feeling lonelier than if I had stayed home.”

The feeling of alienation in the company of others – called “existential isolation” in psychological literature – can happen to anyone at any time in life. Psychologists define it as the feeling that no one sees the world from our perspective or understands how we feel, even when we are surrounded by other people. Those who score high on measures of existential isolation are at greater risk of suffering from illnesses such as depression and tend to be less responsive to treatment.

The irony is that many people probably feel the same way, but we assume that our pain makes us different and so we don’t share how we feel, which contributes to our feelings of isolation. That’s why psychologists now encourage people to cultivate a sense of “common humanity” when they’re feeling depressed. Simply put, it’s about recognizing that others may be in our situation, so we don’t need to feel a sense of failure just because we’re unhappy.

Building a sense of common humanity may explain why “peer support” groups, which bring together people facing similar problems, tend to be so effective in improving individuals’ well-being. They free you from that feeling of existential isolation, which brings its own kind of comfort apart from the practical help they can also offer.

If you’re feeling existentially isolated this holiday season, it can be helpful to simply remind yourself that you’re not alone in this experience. This is an essential part of “self-compassion” training, and there are many resources online to help you do this through writing exercises or guided meditation.

Better yet, you might consider breaking the taboo by sharing how you feel, even if it doesn’t seem very celebratory. Research suggests you might be surprised by people’s reactions. Studies examining the “beautiful mess effect” show that we are often unnecessarily pessimistic about other people’s responses to our problems. We assume we will be seen as weak, when people are more likely to see courage – and they may even share very similar feelings themselves.

As for these holidays? Don’t have to accept every invitation and focus your energies on those that are most likely to create a feeling of connection. A coffee with a trusted friend can do much more for your well-being than a festive nightclub. Christmas is a time of goodwill – and you can start by directing that kindness towards yourself.

These articles are published weekly on
newscientist.com/maker

David Robson is an award-winning science writer and author of The Laws of Connection: 13 Social Strategies That Will Transform Your Life