Couple Plan To Have Kids—Then Has Realization Almost 15 Years Later

For Vanessa and Xander Marin, a future with children has always been the fault.

Like many young couples, they imagined themselves as parents, even incorporating jokes about future children in their wishes for marriage. But almost 15 years after their happy marriage, a deep achievement led them to consciously choose a different path, a trip they shared in a Tiktok video.

Vanessa, 40 and Xander, 41, said Nowsweek About their trip to being definitively without children and how they sail on people’s reactions to their decision.

“We have been happy together for 17 years, and here is why we choose not to have children,” legend the video. “We both imagined our lives with children … But we got married quite young and we said that we would like to be married for a few years before starting to have children …

“But this moment never came. We never had the impression that we wanted to have children … In the end, what we are constantly coming back is this question:” We actively want to have children? “For almost 15 years, we left the door open to change our mind, but we finally closed it last year when Xander obtained a vasectomy.”

Vanessa has developed their vast deliberation.

“It was not a quick decision; it was a 15-year-old conversation that took place and matured next to us,” she said. Despite the first discussions and the hypotheses on the desire for children, the feeling of planned preparation has never arrived. Vanessa added: “People have always said to us:” You will know when you are ready. “But this feeling never came.”

This lack of preparation caused a change in their questioning. Instead of asking if they felt ready to have children, the couple started asking if they actively wanted to have children.

“Children deserve to be wanted,” said Vanessa. “Not brought to the world because parents want to have children is something they are supposed to do, or they fear regret it if they don’t do it.”

She wanted to look her child imagined in the eye and say: “” Your mom and dad wanted to have you so badly. “” But, faced with the direct question, she could not bring together desire.

Xander echoed this feeling, realizing that their lives already felt full. A pivotal moment for him was his decision to obtain a vasectomy at 38 years old.

“It was the first time I really said to myself:” I don’t need to keep this door open in case. “It was the physical embodiment of our choice,” said Xander.

But, for Vanessa, acceptance of the child without child also involved the treatment of sorrow.

“Every decision you make in life is loss,” she said. Although they know that they would be “phenomenal parents”, it allowed themselves to cry the life they would never have.

“It made me feel more confident in our decision. I learned that sorrow and clarity can exist at the same time,” she said.

How did people react?

Since the sharing of their online history, the couple has received a mixture of answers.

Many have supported, but they also faced a repression. The accusation of being “selfish” is particularly confusing to them.

“For us, it’s much more selfish to have a child that we don’t really want to have, just because we want to escape the possibility of feeling regret,” said Vanessa. “The selfish thing makes sense when it is twinned with:” You will regret not having to take care of yourself when you are older. “It seems extremely selfish.”

Vanessa said that such declines could result from others to validate their own choices.

“When someone chooses something different … it can be threatening,” she added. “We fully respect the right of each person to choose what is best for their life. And honestly? We do not need everyone understands our choice. It is not their life. It is not their marriage. This discomfort is their own to sit – not ours to repair.”