My friend only ever wants to talk about herself. Should I cut her off? | Friendship

I’ve been friends with a woman for over 20 years old, who has overcome many challenges, whom I admire. However, sheis constantly blinded by people. Her husband left herand it was a huge shock. A many of his friends disappeared at that time as they were only interested in her husband. This surprised her. She did more effort to be my friend, and I had to understand more clearly what friendship was.

During the For years, several of her friends have disappeared and she isI don’t know why. Her last employer picked on her, even though she was a excellent employee, and she left without knowing what had changed.

Recently weI’m both retired and I see more of myselfbut I discover that my role in the relationship is like the audience. I open topics of conversation and she changes them according to what interests her. Politically, she has strong opinions. I’m trying to suggest fact checking and alternative viewpoints.

She planned a vacation to a country where II visited several times and lived there for a while. I tried to give an overview, but this was not welcome. She really wanted me to confirm his choices. I just came back from a month in this country and she wants to catch upbut I don’t do it.

I don’t want to be a friend who cuts and runs without explanationbut I I don’t think she will ever understand the impact of his behavior on my self-esteem. At this point, I’m in avoidance mode. What should I do?

You might retreat and flee, but that’s rarely the peaceful resolution we hope for. But confrontation with a view to a resolution requires courage and will on both sides.

I went to see Noel Bell, a UKCP registered psychotherapist, and he felt that you should raise this issue with your friend “especially as in the past people didn’t confront her openly and she was caught off guard”.

Bell suggested this helpful conflict resolution tool: “The first step is to state what typically happens in your conversations. It should be as factual as possible and essentially what a recording device would replay. The second step is to tell him how you feel. There should be no argument about it. Your feelings are your feelings, after all. The third step is to ask yourself how you are both going to change the dynamic of your friendship.”

Bell says you need to think about how you are going to approach this issue with her. You could write a letter, but face to face might be better. “Despite her abrasive nature, she might be more willing to hear your side of the story in person, especially if she values ​​your friendship.” Additionally, face-to-face allows you to assess body language, which can tell you when to push or when to back off in the conversation. “It will also give us the opportunity to answer any questions he has,” Bell says. He suggests trying to do it when you’re in a relaxed, private setting.

Of course, your friend may reject everything. Some people have a “survival story”: they have a story about themselves that they can’t let go of because their very survival depends on it and it’s all they’ve ever known, and it’s all other people’s fault. It’s difficult because there are no lines of communication with these people, only dead ends. But she may first present herself that way, and then think about what you said. And even if you never reach a resolution, you’ll take comfort in knowing that you were honest with her.

Remember, of course, that she also has a point of view, so you have to be willing to hear it. I did a podcast about managing differences and one technique I learned from it is to say to the other person (after you’ve said what you said, or even before), “Now you talk and I’m not going to say anything for half an hour.” It’s extremely effective.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.