Dear Eric: Should I tell a coworker that many of her workmates are criticizing her as selfish and self-centered? She got married a year ago but didn’t go on a honeymoon then because the couple, who are both in their 40s, had just returned from two weeks in Europe.
Now they’ve decided they want a “dream honeymoon” at a luxury resort. To pay for it they’ve created an account on a crowd-funding honeymoon website and are letting everyone know they’d like it if we’d all chip in. The items she wants include airfare, a rental car, side trips, resort fees and cash starting at $75.
I gave her a nice wedding gift a year ago, as did many of our coworkers. We’re modestly paid teachers and a trip to South America is well beyond our budgets.
She’s let it be known that she’s disappointed that we’re “stingy” and thus she’s nowhere near her goal.
Behind her back, people are criticizing her as being clueless and bad-mannered, both for asking us to pay for her delayed honeymoon and then criticizing us for not being more generous.
I don’t want to say anything to her (or give her money). But I fear that if I don’t tell her no one will, and she’ll have no idea why she’s at risk of losing friends.
Would it be a kindness to say something? And if so, what should I say? Or should I take the easy route and keep quiet?
–Fellow Teacher
Dear Teacher: My goodness, was there a sale at the audacity store? I wonder where some people get it. It’s perfectly fine to make it easy for people to give gifts and show their love, but it’s inappropriate, and rude, to criticize people for not ponying up the dough, especially when a gift has already been given. Wedding fundraising pages are not invoices that require payment under threat of credit ruination.
Sheesh.
While it would be kind to tell her that others are chafing at her request, I can’t help but wonder how useful it would be, considering that neither insight nor common sense were listed on her registry. Instead of taking on the burden of communicating the group’s negative feelings, consider just talking to her about how you’re feeling. If you decide that this is a relationship you want to salvage, tell her that you’re happy for her, but it rubs you the wrong way to be called stingy for not giving her a second gift. As a friend, hopefully she can listen and adjust her attitude.
Dear Readers: On Sept. 10, “Loner But Not Alone” asked for advice about making connections. She was a retired self-described loner who realized that most of her social connections had been through work. Many of you replied with fantastic, creative suggestions that would surely be of use to anyone, of any age, seeking community. I’ve attached a few below.
- “Look at the list of charities to which you already contribute. Some of them may offer volunteer activities where you will find people who share your interests. Working with fellow volunteers has started many new friendships (in the 40 to 90 age range) and has taken me in unexpected directions, e.g. who knew tending animal rescues could lead to a fellow reader of British mysteries?”
- “There is an incredible network of women’s clubs in America devoted to community service that began at the end of the 19th century. Even small communities like mine (320 population), have a thriving, very active club. The national organization, located in Washington, D.C., is called the General Federation of Women’s Clubs (gfwc.org).”
- “I have been involved with local theater for decades, and I can say that you can meet several people from various age groups and gain friendships that endure for years. Beyond acting, there is a tremendous amount of backstage work that needs volunteers, from costuming to prop collecting to set construction to program design.”
- “Go where the music is playing, attend the county events in the parks, attend festivals that are happening and attend some sporting events at restaurants, sports bars and arenas.”
- “Lifelong Learners Organizations exist in 124 locations, attached to colleges and universities and are called OSHER Lifelong Learning Institutes.”
- “Find out if your local library has a Friends of the Library group or start one if they don’t. Many libraries also have Maker Spaces and classes.”
- “I posted a note on our Nextdoor website to see if there were other women over 60 who might want to get together occasionally for lunch, etc. I had 56 positive replies! We met in two groups at a restaurant and the group soon evolved to include a weekly breakfast and a weekly happy hour at local restaurants.”
- “Picking up trash seems disgusting but a great way to meet neighbors.”
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
