‘Don’t tell me my baby wasn’t meant to be’

“There was probably something that was not going with your baby”, “you could always try again”, “it was not supposed to be”.

It is only a sample of the comments that Siobhan Gorman knew when his baby died 16 weeks after his pregnancy.

“It is not maliciously, I found that many people do not know what to say,” said the teacher of Abergavenny.

Siobhan, 35, was alone at home when she entered work and gave birth to her baby Archie.

His experience left him both a post-traumatic stress disorder and a determination to educate others on the reality of miscarriage, as well as on how to support those who experience it.

Warning: The article contains a graphic description of the miscarriage that some readers can find overwhelming.

On January 23 of last year, Siobhan began to feel the disease, pain in her bump and her blood loss, so she went to an emergency gynecology service.

After a urine test, he was told that his symptoms were probably signs of an infection and were returned to them with antibiotics.

With her partner in Italy, she stayed at home to rest, but the following evening felt pain in her intense bump that she dropped her on the ground.

“And then my waters broke and I ended up giving birth on the floor of my bathroom alone,” she said.

Unable to reach her phone, she tried to shout for her neighbors, but her cries remained unanswered.

All she could do was stay in the bathroom, holding her little baby.

“My baby was alive but 16 weeks is too young,” she said through tears.

“I hold my baby and I could say that I couldn’t do anything.

“My baby had 10 tiny fingers, toes and eyes and ears and was perfectly formed but was simply tiny, the size of a pear.”

She was finally able to go to her phone and call her mother who was nearby.

“I didn’t even say what had happened, I just said” you have to go home “,” she said.

An ambulance was requested, but there was a long wait, so his father led him to the nearest hospital.

“I stayed in a & e with my baby in a towel,” she said.

“I was told that my baby was dead and that my world has changed.”

Siobhan said she was able to find the support of charitable organizations, including Morgan’s wings and petals.

She said that her school was incredibly favorable and that she was able to take 16 weeks of sick leave.

But she praised the news that parents who are undergoing miscarriage before 24 weeks of pregnancy will be entitled to mourning leave under a planned modification of the bill on employment rights.

“I was not sick, my baby was dead,” she said.

After a wait of six months for a dead post, which provided no response, they were able to have funeral.

Birth certificates are not issued for babies born before 24 weeks of gestation.

In England, parents who lose a baby before 24 weeks of pregnancy can receive a certificate in recognition of their loss, but no equivalent is available in Wales.

This means that the only paperwork that Siobhan has to show Archie existed is a cremation certificate.

Eighteen months later, Siobhan cannot believe how naive she was about miscarriage until it happens to her.

“I supposed that you bleed and you would like to tell you that there is no heartbeat, I did not even consider the multiple other forms of baby loss that are there,” she said.

If a baby dies before 24 weeks of pregnancy completed, he is known as a miscarriage but Siobhan prefers the term loss of baby to describe what she experienced.

“I had a baby and my baby is dead,” she said.

Jenni Whitmore, 41, from Brynna to Rhondda Cynon Taf, has an 11 -year -old daughter and made three miscarriages.

She also feels uncomfortable for part of the terminology.

“When you are told that your pregnancy can no longer progress, you do not advise you” I am really sorry that your baby is dead “, you are told that your pregnancy is not viable, which, in medical terms, is correct, but the terminology used must be improved,” she said.

“We never designate our false fetus, it’s always” our baby “,” My daughter’s brother “.”

The first two miscarriages of Jenni took place in October 2018, six weeks and March 2019, at 10 weeks, following a fertility treatment.

His third miscarriage took place in February 2023 after having regained pregnant naturally.

She was 13 weeks pregnant when he was told that there was no heart rate and chose to stay at home and let nature follow her course.

“It’s like going through work,” she said.

“You are just left to face this at home with the advice of taking paracetamol that does not touch it, obviously, then once it happens, you should physically empty these toilets and essentially rinse what is called medically as a” product “.

“But of course, mentally, we know it was our baby … And I don’t think it never leaves you.”

As Siobhan, she also experienced hurtful comments from those around her.

“We encountered comments from” at least it was an early loss “and” you can try again “, but we knew it was the end of the road for us, which, I think, was quite difficult to treat,” she said.

How did these comments made him feel?

“It’s anger, just anger,” she said.

“I think it’s just ignorance to be honest.

“From the minute you saw this pregnancy test with the two lines, you have prepared your 10, 20, 30 years following. You planned the rest of your life.”

Other people in his life have stayed away.

“It was quite difficult because you just want this little support,” said.

So what is the right thing to say to someone who made a miscarriage?

“We had friends who presented themselves and who said nothing but made us hugs, which was really appreciated,” said Jenni.

“Or for someone to say” they are completely garbage, I cannot change it for you, but I’m here and if you need something, you know where the phone is “.”

Siobhan said the comment she had found the most difficult was: “It was not supposed to be.”

“It was the baby who made me a mother and I don’t have my child, but I am a mother,” she said.

She said people just admitted that they didn’t know what to say.

Siobhan said that you see other pregnancy ads for women, gender celebrations and babies on social networks had been difficult.

“I am always able to be happy for them, you can have emotions that run next to each other so that you can be happy for someone else, but always sad for you,” she said.

“It is really difficult to see what could have been, but it also made me realize how a miracle is.”

Details of help and support with miscarriage and pregnancy problems are available on BBC Action Line