What Is DARVO? The Manipulative Abuse Tactic Is More Common Than You’d Think

You may have heard the phrase DARVO pop up recently. Perhaps you have seen viewers of love island UNITED KINGDOM discussing whether contestants on the show use it, or whether activists talk about how often high-profile men accused of abuse against women use it as a deflection tactic. Journalist and former senior advisor to President Bill Clinton, Sidney Blumenthal, for example, claimed that Donald Trump used him to successfully manipulate situations in his favor. But DARVO doesn’t just happen on our screens or in Hollywood. It’s extremely common in everyday life and it’s important to understand what it is and how to spot it.

Terms like “gaslighting” have fully entered our lexicon, but DARVO – which is often linked to gaslighting and just as common – is a less recognized tactic used when it comes to emotional abuse. This can happen in romantic relationships, with family and friends, and even at work. And unless you know what to look for, it’s easy to miss.

So what East DAVO?

The term stands for Deny, Attack, Reverse Victim and Offender. It was invented by psychologist Jennifer Freyd and describes a pattern in which a person accused of harmful behavior immediately denies it, attacks the person in front of them, and then shifts the blame to present themselves as the true victim of the situation. According to Freyd, this occurs “when an actually guilty perpetrator assumes the role of ‘falsely accused’ and attacks the credibility of the accuser and accuses the accuser of being the author of a false accusation.”

This may look like:

“Why do you always try to make me the bad guy?” »

“I never hit you, I just pushed you away when you were being dramatic.”

“You’re so sensitive, it’s like I can’t do anything with you.”

“You hurt me so much. I don’t even want to talk to you anymore.”

“You abuse me too.”

For those who experience this abuse, it can erode your reality over time. It is common for victims to begin to question whether what they experienced is real and begin to place blame on themselves, which is exactly the goal of the person using DARVO to manipulate.

There have been fictional depictions of DARVO, although it is not explicitly depicted as such. As in Big little lies, for example, Perry Wright’s character turns it around every time Celeste denounces his violence. First, he denies harming her. Then he accuses her of provoking him. Eventually, he becomes the one who suffers. “I’m only like this because I love you so much.” This is the DARVO manual.

We see it in Youwhere Joe Goldberg constantly manipulates women into believing he is just a misunderstood romantic, even as his behavior becomes controlling and violent. He denies, attacks, reframes. Again and again.

DARVO can also occur outside of domestic violence and violence. Like when a partner cheats, gets caught, then says something like, “You’ve been so cold lately, what did you expect?” Or when you confront a friend about a boundary they crossed and they respond, “Wow, I guess I’m just a horrible person then.” » Suddenly you’re the one controlling the damage, even if it hurt you.

Those involved with Everyone’s Invited, a charity dedicated to exposing and eradicating rape culture with empathy, compassion and understanding, witness DARVO too often. A spokesperson for the association said Glamor United Kingdom, “At Everyone’s Invited, through thousands of testimonies, we often see DARVO as a recurring tactic used by abusers when confronted with allegations of abuse. It begins with denial, followed by personal attacks on the survivor, and ends with the abuser presenting themselves as the real victim.”