I had an abortion due to climate anxiety. How can I come to terms with it? | Family

I’m 37 years old, happily married and I have two children, who were born quickly after our marriage, in their late twenties. I immediately fell in love with them. However, I wasn’t really emotionally or practically ready and developed postnatal anxiety.

I always cared on the climate crisisand since after having children and knowledge it will be affect their lives more than mine, I became motivated to make changes. We live a very “green” life.

I know how lucky I am to have two healthy childrenbut I wanted a third. I I still can’t believe how fast my two are growing up – many of my friends still have plenty of time to enjoy with their little ones. However, fears for the future and the impact on the planet left me consumes with indecision. I I received advice, which helped me. My husband has always been happy with two but happy to have a third if I wanted oneso we tried. I got pregnant. Within a week I was hit by an intense fear for the future and the impact of climate crisis. I talked to a few friends, and my husband at length, and got laid off.

At first I felt relief, thendevastation of what I had done. With the help of antidepressants and counseling, I felt more balanced, but never at peace. After a year, I continue I felt sadness and regret, so we decided to try again. I got pregnant, and again, As if a switch had been turned, I felt intense anxiety and I couldn’t see one positive future. Ultimately, I had a miscarriage.

Since then, I have worked hard to try to find contentment with my lovely family. four. How can I make sense of what happened and come to acceptance of what I did?

I went to see medical psychotherapist and psychoanalyst Dr Jo Stubley, who told me: “I was particularly interested in what motherhood meant to you. I sensed there was loneliness in your letter as well as anxiety.”

I felt a sort of shortness of breath in you, of wavering from one thing to another. We were wondering where your own mother was in all this? And your father? How many brothers and sisters do you have? Did you know that three children is the ideal number?

“You seemed to be doing a lot instead of taking time to think,” Stubley said. “What’s been lost is space for grief, because it feels like it’s been one thing after another. But what made you want to have a third child? Were you worried about getting older? Did you feel like you didn’t get something right the first time? These are ordinary reactions to having a baby, but then climate anxiety hits and that’s what’s really interesting, because on some level we should all suffer from climate anxiety Yet we all walk with disavowal, dissociation and denial so as not to see how terrifying it is.

I wondered what happened between the idea of ​​wanting a third baby and the reality. It’s almost like you’re living an “idea” until you get pregnant. I asked Stubley how you could move forward. “I think you have to sit down and figure out what it means to you in the context of your life story,” she said, “what it means to be a woman, a mother of two or three children, what it means to get older. You may have to work through your grief, the abortion, the miscarriage. [even the grief of your children growing up]. Examine what it really is, because we can all find sources of anxiety.

Please go back to counseling. Acceptance comes with time and the ability to deal with what has happened. But to do this, you must stay long enough for the most difficult emotions to be seen and felt.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.