Family visits are stressful – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I have a problem that seems to get worse over time. Our son is married and very happy. He lives in another state of us, so it’s always a quick visit to see each other, which is generally occurring twice a year.
The problem is my husband and I really don’t like our visits. They have become very stressful. Time with an adult child should not be stressful. We always walk on egg shells around them. It’s their path or not. They have become selfish adults.
Our last visit was really exhausting and my husband does not want to leave anytime soon. I know that if I have a conversation with my son, we will probably not speak at all and it will break our relationship. I really don’t know what to do because I have not raised my son to be so difficult and make our family so uncomfortable in his presence and his wife. Please help.
– Mom lost and stressed
Dear mom: By reading your letter, I wondered if it was possible to modify the structure, the calendar or even the adjustment of your time with your son. It seems that you are looking for more hospitality, which is completely fair. Or, unless it is, a visit that is rooted in mutual pleasure and the easy compromises that accompany it. So, perhaps by giving you part of this hospitality and this consideration, you can eliminate pressure and have fun more.
If you visit him at his home, for example, I wonder if there is part of him who considers that his space is raped or that his schedule is jostled. If this is the case, it is possible to remove the triggers.
You and your husband could plan other local events for your stay in his state – see friends, visit cultural institutions, and Cetera – and choose one or two time pockets to get involved with your son and daughter -in -law. In this way, you have something to hope for, something around which to build your schedule and you are not liable for your hospitality or its absence.
The desire to visit is not always encountered by the ability to visit well. It seems that he grew up in this area. If you walk on egg shells, the best thing may be to step back a little.
Dear Eric: I have two close friends (13 years of friendship and 30 years of friendship, respectively). I presented them. They have a lot in common and now we are all close.
They are both single. In the past year, my alive boyfriend has developed Alzheimer’s disease and I am not also available for hiking, canoeing or museums as they do.
I recently discovered that my two friends meet frequently without me for hikes and museum trips and a lunch after uncompromising. I fully understand that I cannot participate or stay far from my boyfriend for hours. I fully understand that they have these activities in common but not with me.
I just discovered that they plan a night trip to the west coast of Florida as a girl’s trip and hiking trip. They didn’t ask me.
Eric, I am fully aware of my limits, but I am injured that none of them included me by asking. A simple “we would like you to join us but that you understand your situation and you will miss” would have pleased me. Instead, I am injured and try to get back to it. I did not mention anything to my friends what I feel.
Am I too sensitive to just want to be included by just asking? These two women did not even know each other if it was not for me to present them.
– Unmatched matchmaker
Dear Matchmaker: You are not too sensitive. It hurts and it’s difficult. As a caregiver, you can be stretched, you can feel more emotions and you can see that your time requests change in a way out of your control.
It’s a moment for compassion, for yourself and others.
By thinking generously, it is possible that your friends are trying to be compassionate by not inviting yourself to things that they assume that you cannot do. But they must say so that their intentions are not misinterpreted.
These relationships are so long that I think they can resist the truth. Indeed, they could flourish with. Tell them that you felt injured and explain that this injured also comes from a love for them and for your friendships. Tell them that you know your life seems different now, but you always want to feel wanted. Sometimes, even our closest friends should be encouraged to think in a creative way of the best way to present ourselves for us.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
