Father-in-law interfering in marriage – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: Several years ago, I left Europe to come to the United States to marry my wife. His father agreed to support us financially until my work authorization was approved. At the time of approval, my wife was suffering from a serious mental health crisis and needed time to recover. My father-in-law hired a “life coach” and my wife and I worked with her to get our finances and household in order.
It took me longer than expected to find a job. My FIL demanded that I return home to Europe. I was told that I would not be allowed to return home until I found a job.
The life coach told me that my wife would be financially deprived if she allowed me to return to our matrimonial home.
Every time I was close to finding work, my FIL would raise the bar for what he expected of me.
I was angry that I was forcibly separated from my wife because we loved each other very much and neither of us wanted to be separated, but then she broke up with me (I assume at the direction of the life coach).
Currently, I work and live with my parents in Europe and am considering taking legal action against my FIL and the life coach, but I fear it will further alienate my wife.
I am still very angry but I am also aware that anger can cloud my judgment. Is there another course of action I could take that I am missing?
– A lost Celt
Dear Celt: I doubt taking legal action will get you the results you want.
You and your wife were in a vulnerable position. What you needed was to control your own destiny. At this stage, this control begins with the choice of acceptance. If your wife is not open to online counseling or reconciling with you, then you need to accept that the relationship is over and give her the space she asks for.
This may be for the best for you, because it is difficult, if not impossible, to build a marriage when a third party is making demands and telling you where you can and cannot go. It’s not sustainable, and for it to work you need to make your own decisions and act independently.
There were a lot of cooks in the proverbial kitchen, with a life coach, a father-in-law, and U.S. Citizenship and Immigration Services. For now, stay away from the stoves. Work on healing and determine what you need for the future.
Dear Eric: My beloved husband of 22 years is seriously ill with a poor prognosis, and
worries about leaving money to her four children from a previous marriage.
When we met, “Mike” had been divorced for five years. I had wealth; Mike had a great job, a lifelong pension and lots of debt. Essentially, no net worth. I didn’t mind paying for everything.
We also helped his children and grandparents financially and were generous with gifts. It’s a wonderful marriage. He’s been my best friend ever since. I will be devastated to lose him.
There is no money to give to his four adult children after his death. He doesn’t have life insurance. I should withdraw from my retirement account, which is modest now.
I would have liked to be close to his children, but they are not warm. Since their father fell ill, things have become more tense. All four undermined their father’s trust in his doctors and in the care I provided him.
One of them called me mean and said I hadn’t taken good care of him. My husband told them directly that without my care he wouldn’t even be alive. He is doing much better now, but the prognosis is grim.
After this sad future day, I am very reluctant to take away what I should give from people who don’t love me. For Mike’s sake, that’s exactly what I plan to do, anyway. His children don’t know that even though their father earned a lot of money, he didn’t have any saved.
I appreciate your advice.
– I can’t help but think ahead
Dear think in advance: I implore you not to jeopardize your financial security in order to leave money to your stepchildren. They react unfairly – perhaps partly out of grief. I say this with kindness; you may also react out of grief. But that money won’t heal the part of you that was hurt by it.
Mike needs to talk to his children about his finances and help them manage their expectations about what he will leave them. And he should do it now, on his own. You and he should also speak to an attorney to make sure your plans are clear and you are protected.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
