First holiday after a breakup – Chicago Tribune

Q: The holidays are coming up and it’s my first year after the breakup. I’m stressed, more emotional than ever, overwhelmed and I’m not looking forward to interacting with the mother of my children. What is proper ex-etiquette when trying to manage your own stress while co-parenting during the holidays?

A: The holidays amplify everything: joy, sorrow, nostalgia and stress. When you have just separated, the weight of “living the holidays differently” can seem enormous. The key to good holiday etiquette isn’t perfection. It’s about managing stress so that your children feel grounded even when traditions change.

Start by grounding yourself in reality: this year will be different. Different isn’t automatically worse, but pretending nothing has changed creates pressure on everyone. Children quickly read your mood. If you are anxious, tense or irritated, they will absorb it. So, start by taking the pressure off yourself. You don’t have to create a perfect vacation. You just need to create a peaceful one.

Next, keep communication with your co-parent predictable. The holidays are hard enough without emotional upheaval. Don’t negotiate when you’re upset. Don’t text late at night after consuming a bottle of your choice. Don’t use the holiday calendar as a battleground for unresolved feelings. Good ex-etiquette is proactive: confirm your plans early, keep communication neutral, and avoid last-minute changes that increase stress. When negotiating a time swap or changing vacations, “look for compromise” (rule of good ex-etiquette for parents #10) but also “put yourself in your co-parents’ shoes” (rule of ex-etiquette #7) and don’t ask them to do something you would never consider.

You also need emotional outlets outside of your children. ‘Tis not the season to make your child your comfort partner. Share your feelings with a friend, therapist, or support group, someone who can hold your emotions without absorbing them. When kids feel like they have to cheer you up or keep you steady, the holidays become heavy instead of joyful.

Create little rituals that soothe you. Breathing pauses of five minutes. A walk after dinner. A cup of hot tea after the kids go to bed. These are not luxuries; they are adaptation tools. But be careful: The holidays are the time of year when many rely on their favorite substance to alter their outlook; It’s easy for it to spiral out of control, leaving you feeling depressed and unappreciated or celebrating that it’s finally over.

When your nervous system is calm, your decisions improve and your reactions soften. Your children instantly feel this difference.