Friend is struggling with online dating – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I have a longtime friend who, at 60, entered the world of online meetings after the death of her husband four years ago. She has not yet met the “good guy”.
It corresponds to still married men, looking for someone to support them, in search of sex only, and the list continues. When she matches someone with her on the dating site, she jumps with both feet, inviting them to meet in person, often the next day, rather than talking to them for a little while to see if they have something in common.
His last game was invited to Thanksgiving of his family after being equal only for a week, unless, and I quote: “He breaks her heart before that.” She was a ghost by more men than I can even count, and I must always hear about it.
She then tells me that she is not loved, not attractive, “not the kind of woman that men want”, “the kind of person who settles”, and this. I used to build it constantly when she made these remarks, but now, honestly, I’m tired of hearing it. I suggested volunteering, to join a reading club (she likes to read), to join a widow group and she could meet someone in this context that would be more aligned with her lifestyle. If she wants to continue her quest online, it’s entirely her right, but I really don’t want to hear her pity when it doesn’t work. How can I get out of these conversations?
– Tired of hearing about it
Dear tired: Stories about online dating problems are sometimes like stories about the dream of a person from the previous night. One or two can catch your interest or provide psychological information, but hear about each day old.
Have a heart to heart with her on what is really going on. Try this: “I think you are worthy of love. You have found it once and even if you do not find someone with whom you are compatible with, it makes you no less worthy. It is difficult for me to hear you talk about yourself. But neither my opinion nor the opinion of a random man with you, you are believing in first.” And, as a friend, I think you are happier if you have believed it first. “”
A therapist will be his best option here. There are beautiful books of dating advice and podcasts on relationships (I am partial to the excellent Podcast by Jillian Turecki “Jillian on Love”), but a tête-à-tête work with a therapist who can help your friend unpack these feelings that she has and better set up for meetings.
You don’t have to love yourself to be loved by another person. But when we love each other first, it becomes easier to accept and believe the love we get from others.
Dear Eric: I was diagnosed with an autism spectrum disorder (TSA) in adulthood at 23 (I am 27 years old now) and I have encountered a problem that really bothers me. On a few times, I was told that I am rude or antisocial, and sometimes even ungrateful. I always follow up by wondering why these people think that, and they will answer with things like I do not say enough “thank you” or be done in a conversation where it seemed that I did not want to speak to them.
I went to therapy and to speak with other people with ASD and I discovered that it is something that other autistic people also meet. I hate use the excuse “I am autistic and I do not want to say / do not realize that I am rude”, but I do not know how you go otherwise.
Communicating my feelings can be difficult for me and I am in distress that it happens.
Do you have any suggestions on what I can do?
– Try to be better
Dear best: Think of these situations not as defects that you must compensate, but as cases where communication styles simply did not correspond. You have a different way of communicating and navigating in the world; It doesn’t make you rude.
I encourage you not to think of “I am autistic” as an excuse and to consider it as a way to give other information that will facilitate communication on both sides. When you give a context on how you communicate, you can help others readjust their expectations.
Whether we are neurodivergentes or not, we can all benefit from taking a step back and talking about how we communicate. This column is often filled with letters of people who experience problems because a part (or both) did not say: “This is how I receive information; This is how I communicate the information; This is what I try to say. “
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
