Friend never picks up the tab – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: I have a friend who moved several states but returned to visit at least once a year. She has a lot of friends in this area, and I know she is busy trying to integrate all of us in her schedule. When she and I meet for lunch in a high -end local restaurant, we have a few drinks and she always commands steak. We have been doing this for 10 years. I started to pick up the tab. Wouldn’t you think that at least once, she would offer to take the tab? I know I would do it if the shoe was on the other foot. It is not a great thing for me. I just wonder what you think.
– Free lunch
Dear lunch: Yes, I would certainly have offered at least once in 10 years. Maybe twice. You and your friend fell into a model and you will have to be direct to reset it. Ask him: “Could you have lunch this time?” The tacit part can be “because I have had the last 10 times”.
Dear Eric: I became a friend with “Sue” about 20 years ago; Our husbands have also become friends. We generally saw ourselves for Friday evening dinner and drinks.
Finally, they bought a motorhome and started going out in their camp every weekend. They welcomed us there, and we went several times, but it was not ideal for us to spend the night, and it was too far for the drink and get home later at night. We barely seen them during the summer months.
When the camp closed its doors for the season, Friday evenings resumed but understood some of their new motorhome friends. We were not in their interior jokes, we did not know the other campers they were talking about, or sometimes they could not meet us because of plans with the friends of the motorhome.
Now, they have moved to a new campsite that remains open all year round, so even at the end of fall or at the beginning of spring, they always go there. We tried to plan the dinner during the week, just the four of us, but the plans did not work because of the family commitments that Sue had or the working schedule of her husband.
Sue swears that we are missing and wants to see us as we did before. We were able to have dinner twice last year, and once so far this year. I gave up trying to plan something because it is frustrating.
Is it time to let go and accept that friendship has changed and is no longer a priority for Sue?
– Not in the campsite
Dear campsite: I know that I have the impression that they have chosen the camp above you, but from the outside, it seems that they made a change in an area of their lives, and that has had an unexpected impact in other areas. So try not to take this personally.
It is true that what we spend our time reflects our priorities, but it is also true that we have a limited time. You have sold a priority at some point in your life, but it doesn’t work for everyone. In particular, the group dinner with camp friends is something you have withdrawn. It is totally reasonable, but I only raise it to say that it is less a case of a couple that moves away from you and more than two couples that synchronize.
Accept that things will not be as they were, but that there is a lot of possibility for something new. Their schedules will not always be so busy, but you may both have to be more intentional – and give longer deadlines – to stay in the orbits of each other.
Dear Eric: I read and appreciate your column every day. I write on the supervisor which entered the role where the culture of work had to change to succeed, but the new supervisor obtained a repression for any change which he tried to implement.
I worked in management roles for most of my professional life (almost 50 years). Over the years, I was asked to participate in a leadership role in improving work situations. My advice, which has always succeeded for me, is to empower your staff. Sit with each one separately and ask them what improvements they see necessary and what suggestions they have.
Meet them frequently in head. Be part of the solution and not just the problem. This approach has always succeeded for me, has won respect for my staff and allowed me to pass the departments of success to success … with happy and committed staff!
– happy supervisor
Dear supervisor: I love this advice! And this highlights an important idea for all types of relationships – communication is essential.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
