Hookup culture burnout and unavailable crush cycles – Chicago Tribune

Dear Anna,

I am a 38 -year -old gay man living in an intermediate city, and I am completely exhausted by the meeting scene here. It seems that all the guys I meet on the applications are only interested in connecting, and when I suggest making an appointment or knowing each other first, they have ghost or tell me that I am “too serious”. I tried to be more relaxed and go with the flow, thinking that maybe something will develop naturally, but I always end up feeling empty afterwards. The gay bar scene here is not much better – it is especially younger guys who are looking to party, and the few guys of my age seem to be in open relationships or just want relaxed pleasure.

I am to the point where I wonder if I ask too much or if I am looking for all the bad places. I have a good career, my own place, narrow friendships and I did therapy work – I know what I want with a partner and I am ready for something real. But I have the impression of swimming upstream in a culture that prioritizes instant gratuity on an authentic link. My friends don’t really understand, some think I’m too picky or old -fashioned. How to find someone who really wants to build something significant together? – Ready for true love

Dear RRL,

Wanting a real connection is not old -fashioned – it’s courageous. In a world that often confuses convenience in terms of compatibility and balances the substance, you hold something real. It takes courage, and that is exactly what will make you an incredible partner when you find your person.

At 38, you have gained the right to know what you want. You have done the work, build a life and understand that significant relationships require more than physical chemistry – they need emotional intimacy, shared values ​​and mutual investment. Do not let anyone convince yourself that to have standards is the same as being too picky.

Here is the truth about the culture of gay encounters: yes, the culture of connection is omnipresent, but it is not universal. There are men who want exactly what you want – they are just not the noisiest voices of the room. They do not publish thirsty traps or dominate the bar scene. They quietly live their lives, working on themselves and hoping to meet someone authentic. (As you are.)

Start by diversifying where and how you meet people. Applications can be ideal for meeting people you would never have otherwise, but this is not the only tool in the toolbox. Double your pleasure and meet people while doing things you love anyway. Join a gay reading club, a volunteer for LGBTQ +organizations, take a cooking class, start a dance party from the late 1930s that ends at 10 p.m., etc.

(Alternatively, you can try different applications that are addressed more to relations of relationships, and be frank in your profile of wanting something serious. Do not get this desire – leads with it.

When you match someone, suggest a first meeting that does not imply alcohol – coffee, dinner, museum. If they relieve everything that involves real conversation, it is not your person. Pay attention to how they communicate: do they ask questions about your life, remember the details of previous conversations, suggest activities that involve knowing each other?

Other things to try include expanding your geographic department if you are in a small town. Sometimes love requires a little trip, and someone from there that shares your values ​​is more than someone around the corner that does not.

More importantly, resist the urge to settle or lower your standards because the dating is difficult. The right person will appreciate your depth, not see it as a burden. They will want to know your career, your friendships, your dreams for the future. They will be delighted to present their friends to you and include you in their lives.

Modern dating – whatever the orientation – has its challenges, but that does not mean that your desires are unrealistic. There are countless homosexuals in committed and love relationships that have started exactly where you are – tired of games and ready for something real.

Continue to be intentional to what you want. Continue to appear as your authentic self. Continue to believe that love is worth it to be expected. Somewhere, there is a man who is just as frustrated by the culture of connection as you, who hoped to meet someone exactly like you – someone ready to build a life together, not just sharing a night.

Your person is there. Do not give up to find them. And please start this first dance. Mom is tired.

Dear Anna,

I am a 24 -year -old queer girl, and I have a terrible scheme that I cannot break: I continue to develop intense favorites for heterosexual women. It happened at least five times in the past three years, and it drives me crazy. The last one was my colleague, who is kind, funny, and we had incredible chemistry during our coffee breaks. I convinced myself that she questioned her sexuality because she seemed so comfortable with me and touched my arm when we were talking. When I finally worked the courage to ask her to go out, she gently told me that she was flattered but straight, and now things are awkward at work.

This same scenario played with women in my yoga class during parties, even with a barista in my local cafe who was just friendly. I logically know that I prepare for rejection and sorrow, but I keep stopping. Meanwhile, when I meet women who are really available on applications, I have the impression that there is no spark. My therapist says that I could unconsciously choose unavailable people to avoid real intimacy, but I don’t think that is everything – I really want a relationship. I start to wonder if I have internalized homophobia that makes me more attracted to women who represent the prohibition or the challenge. How to break this cycle and start establishing healthy relationships with women who can really love me? – Hunt straight waterfalls

Dear CSW,

I am not mental but I know that 98% of Queer women read this will nod, as yes, it’s me. It is practically a queer -to -crush rite for hetero women unavailable at least once, if not several times, throughout our lives.

And do not embark on hot baristas with their sleeping eyes and their casual septum piercings that make literal hearts in our latch mousse in turmeric and then are like, What? I’m just nice! Have a nice day!

Thank you, Kai. YOU TOO.

That’s all to say: it’s okay. Many, many queer women (and queer men and heteros too) experience magnetic attraction towards unavailable people and complex psychology of F-Ery. You are not broken and you are certainly not alone in this model.

Let’s start with compassion for yourself. Hetero women can sometimes feel “safer” to develop feelings because the issues feel lower. There is integrated protection to know that this cannot work – no risk of real vulnerability, no chance of being really seen and potentially rejected for whom you are. It is like emotional training wheels, allowing you to discover the rush of attraction without the terror of real intimacy.

But here is what is happening: you practice love on people who cannot love you in return, which means that you never really learn to receive love. You become an expert in unrelated feelings while remaining a beginner to reciprocal feelings.

The spark you miss with the available women? It is not a question of lacking something – it is your nervous system calibrated with the thrust of adrenaline to continue the impossible. True love is not always like a flash; Sometimes it’s like getting home. (Of course, there are people with whom you just won’t have chemistry, and it’s perfectly normal. More below.)

Here is your action plan: first of all, implement a hetero moratorium. When you feel that the pet was floating around a right girl, recognize it – “there is this model again” – and consciously redirect your energy. Do not feed these feelings with fantasies or scenarios.

Second, reappear the way you approach the available women. Instead of looking for immediate fireworks, looking for comfort, ease and real compatibility. Give yourself permission to go to a second and perhaps even a third meeting even if the first did not go to heart. Some of the best love stories start with friendship and become something deeper.

Third, examine your relationship with your own queerness. Sometimes we unconsciously drive the heteros because we have not fully adopted our own identity. Train to celebrate your sexuality instead of treating it as something that should be won or validated by leaving with the “good” person.

Try this exercise: note three things you like in being a queer. Then, note three qualities that you would like in a partner who has nothing to do with the thrill of the prosecution – perhaps kindness, humor, generosity or love of the Frozen food section of Trader Joe. Use it as your Star North when you go out.

And continue your good job with therapy. They can help you explore if there is internalized homophobia in play or if you unconsciously protect yourself from the vulnerability that comes with real love.

Your heart knows how to love deeply – this is not the problem. The problem is that you directed it to bad people. When you redirect this incredible love ability to someone who can love you, you will be amazed at what you can build together.

Stop hunting the waterfalls and starting to create them. Your true love story is waiting for you to present it.

___

(Anna Pulley is a columnist for the syndicated tribune content agency answering the readers’ questions on love, sex and meetings. Send your questions by e-mail (guaranteed anonymity) to redededating@gmail.com, register for her uncommon newsletter (however incredible) or consult her books!)