Dear Eric: I’m a 61-year-old single man. I’m disabled and, until their passing, lived with my parents. About 25 years ago, my parents and I became friendly with a woman – I’ll call her “M” – and her husband, “P” through activities at our church.
After my father passed away, M invited me to lunch. She knew I was alone and grieving and kindly offered me some company. Over time, we met for lunch several times – sometimes just the two of us, other times with another church member, and on a few occasions with our pastor. P was always aware of these meetings and even joined us when he could. There was never any secrecy, and I have remained on good terms with P throughout.
The problem is that my girlfriend believes I had a romantic relationship with M. She has asked her friends for their opinion, and they agree with her. I’ve tried to explain that we are only friends and assure her that there was never anything romantic between M and me. We had very limited contact before my father’s passing and were never alone together until after his death. She regularly checks in on homebound members of the congregation, which is in keeping with her character and entirely voluntary role in the church community.
My girlfriend insists I write to you to ask for your opinion. Do you think it’s reasonable for her to believe I had a romantic relationship with M? Do you think most people would come to that conclusion?
– Not Guilty
Dear Not Guilty: From what I’m reading, not only is she accusing you of having feelings for M, but also of having a romantic relationship with her. That’s a really big step and it’s a step that ignores a lot of the traditions involved in visiting members of a church community who are homebound or who are grieving. This is a fairly standard practice. One would hope that your girlfriend would see how helpful it was to have connection and support during this difficult time.
I think that jealousy is perhaps playing too large a role. Your girlfriend should ask herself why she believes this to be true, despite your insistence to the contrary. And you should both discuss how you can move on, with trust and open communication. If that’s not possible, it’s hard to continue to build a relationship. If it didn’t happen and you say it didn’t happen, and she doesn’t believe you, I’m not sure you have a lot of options here.
Dear Eric: Growing up, my parents always had a favorite child. They gave their time, attention and money to my brother. They later had our youngest sister who they were both thrilled about. There are five of us kids.
My mom has now passed away and dad is 80 years old. Weekly, he takes my brother and youngest sister out to eat and shop, he pays for everything. He always shows up to my home to talk about what they did. It hurts my feelings and my children’s feelings too.
They all recently took vacation together. Dad wanted us to hear all about it and look at pictures.
I don’t understand why he wants me to listen to everything he does for them, when he does nothing for me, my older sister, another brother and our families. I also have no memory of being hugged or told that they were proud of me or that they love me. It hurts!
I have already distanced myself by not calling or going to his home anymore. But he insists on showing up, banging on the door until we answer and proceeds with his updates. Even if I am busy, he will follow me around talking. It’s cruel! Any suggestions for how to tactfully handle this so I can get some peace?
– Feeling Not Worthy
Dear Feeling: I don’t know that tact is going to be very effective here. Your father’s habit of barging into your home and demanding to be heard is aggressive and suggests that he’s being intentional about crossing your boundaries. After a lifetime of unhealthy relationship dynamics, you can’t change what’s occurred and you can’t change the system, so instead you have to be clear and vigilant about protecting yourself.
If you’re not available to host a visit or not available for conversation, hold the line with him. You don’t have to let him in, or you can tell him, “I don’t want to talk about this right now and if you can’t respect that, we’re going to have to end this conversation.”
People who are narcissists or emotionally abusive often react badly to boundaries. Their reaction is not your responsibility. Instead, it’s important that you decide what’s acceptable for you, communicate that clearly, and hold the boundary for your own peace of mind.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)
