How many times is too many times to flake on someone?
We were all there: you made plans with a friend and you were looking forward to the meeting all day. Maybe you have refused other invitations to keep this commitment or you are just excited to spend time with someone you love. You stand in front of your closet to decide what to wear when suddenly your phone begins: “Hey. I had the longest day and I feel like I just need to be in pajamas”, reads an SMS from your friend. “Let’s try again soon!”
OOF. You just hurt and it hurts.
“It’s like a rejection and nobody wants to feel this,” said Danielle Jackson, friendship coach in Tampa, Florida, and author of the book “Fighting for our friendship: The Science and Art of Conflict and Connection in Women’s Relationship.” “You wonder if the person is invested in you or respect your time. And you may feel that you will not get back into this situation. ”
It is quite understandable to feel angry, injured or embarrassed when someone erases you, and you may want to write this person in your life entirely. But not all the bursts are the same. I talked about chip friends, asking them how many times is too many times for someone to cancel a plan and I found that, as for everything in life, the context is important.
A friend shared that as regards one of his best friends in childhood, there is no limit to the number of times he cancels. “Whenever we make a plan, I know there is only 50% chance that it happens,” she said. “But I have known her for 30 years. We will be friends forever. “
Molly, who, like me, is at the end of the forties and who is the busiest person I know, said that the more he ages, the less she feels upheaval when people cancel on her, even when it means derailing her carefully organized schedule.
“I realized that when someone gets flocks, it is generally not about me,” she said. “People cannot keep any different reasons – they probably just have them [stuff] in progress. “”
My friend Carol offered an equally nuanced socket.
“It depends on the background of friendship and if they have gained the right to flake,” she said. “And this is the mandate and arise for great things.”
I respect the patience and understanding of these friends, but personally, I agree with the point of view of my friend Laura.
“My time seems very precious to me, and I am very demanding on the quantity I give and to whom I give it,” she told me. “In general, it is difficult for me to get closer to unreliable people.”
Stephanie has taken an even harder position: “I tend to feel like a grain and efforts are admirable features and I feel a little allergic to self-indulgence in general,” she said. “So if someone is a queen of personal care, we are not going to be a good match.”
Determine what you think of the scales – whether you think of the brilliance or if you are in flakes – is hardly trivial. A increasing number of studies Over the past two decades, has shown that healthy friendships have played an important role in well-being and longevity. They have shown that people with close friends are more satisfied with their life And less likely to suffer from depression. They are also Less likely to die Of all causes, including heart problems and a range of chronic diseases. If the manufacture and maintenance of close friends are a way to health and happiness, it is useful to understand how people cancel and be canceled by others have an impact on these relationships.
Researchers have also noted that in the same time as Americans, and in particular young Americans, know high quantities of lonelinessThe ease with which people cancel plans to take care of their own well-being seems to grow. Tiktok is filled with generation Z advice on fixing the limits and the Internet is not lacking in memes touting the joy of canceling the plans.
But although there may be a real personal cost to keep a dinner with a friend when you are tired, exceeded or spent emotionally, there can also be serious costs to break this commitment.
“Yes, you can always change your mind when you make a plan, but you may not like what is happening accordingly,” said Mia Schachter, intimacy coordinator and consent educator. “If it is important to you that your friends think that you are reliable and a person of your word, so even if you do not have energy at the moment, you may need to push yourself beyond your ability for the greatest good of something that you are ultimately important.”
It is also true that no matter how dedicated to our friendships, there are times when we have to cancel the plans. When this is the case, friendship researchers say that there are ways to cancel that are less likely to damage the relationship.
In a survey of 1,192 people, the professor of the State University of Michigan, Bill Chopik, and his students asked the respondents to share how upset they feel when someone cancels them and what cancellations are the least hurtful and boring. In 2023 paper,, They shared the following take-out dishes: if you have to cancel plans with someone but want to preserve friendship, do not cancel at the last minute, do not lie and make sure you have a good reason to cancel.
And for the moments when we are canceled on ourselves, the experts say that we could offer our friends grace, especially if they apologize and try to repair the situation.
Like Jackson, the friendship coach, said, if someone cancels you and said: “I’m the worst, it’s a strange week, but next Thursday at 6 works?” This person admits that she has probably extinguished and disappointed you, and also shows that he really wants to see you another time.
“It is a completely different tone of” life of life, “she said.
