How to Keep Your Child Calm When You’re Stressed Out

Although parenting has always been difficult, raising children in today’s world is only stressful. In addition to balance work and family life, parents are worried about the state of the world, their finances and the security and mental health of their children.

With so much to fear, parental stress has reached a fever. A survey in 2023 revealed that almost 50% of parents felt completely overwhelmed, almost daily.

As a psychotherapist who focuses on emotions, we know that stress is spreading. Children can quickly detect their parents’ stress through the tone in their voice or the expression on their face, such as a crisscrossed forehead or a scowl. Leaving a heavy sigh is also a sign.

The ability to catch the emotions of another person is known as “emotional contagion”. When children observe their parents’ distress, brain mirror neurons are busy, causing increased stress hormone levels. All this occurs in an instant, often without conscience.

Since children are counting on their parents for safety and care, their brain is wired to pay attention to the stress levels of their caregiver. It is necessary for survival. Exposure to current and high stress levels can affect the behavior of a child, the duration of attention and the ability to temper their own emotions.

Although stress cannot be stopped, parents can prevent it from rubbing their children. It starts by getting friends with their own emotions and making a conscience to stay calm in the middle of the chaos of life. Here’s how.

Recognize stress and put yourself in the ground in the moment

To relieve stress, it is important to recognize it and take thoughtful measures.

To prevent crescending stress, we encourage parents to focus on “here and now”. Simply observe your environment and identify something you see and something you hear.

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This practice helps you get out of your head, where the rumination and stress of the worried fuel, moving away from the present. Research shows that the commitment of the senses promotes body consciousness, which helps to regulate stress. The anchoring in the moment helps parents stay in the ground. This tells children that even when difficulties arise, you can take care of your response, which is stimulating.

Slow down

Stress is manifested in the body. Many parents have worked with notice tensions in their shoulders or pressure in their chest.

Take a parent we know – we will call him Chris – who recently lost his job. Like most parents, he tried to protect his children from his stress. He followed their daily routine and took them to school and the park.

But they felt their father’s difficulties. The children of Chris noticed how his smile had melted in a frown. They also resumed his impatience when he walked the dog or cleaned the kitchen. Instead of his usual calm behavior, Chris did these tasks with jerky and fast movements. And even when he said to his children: “I’m not upset”, they noticed his gruff tone.

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The next time you feel like Chris, take a break and check with your body.

Just take 60 seconds to slow down. Feel your feet on the ground. Take five deep and elongated breaths, leaving your stomach out like a Buddha. Exhale slowly, continuing your lips as if you were blowing on a hot tablespoon of soup.

When stress increases, the idea of ​​taking a deep inspiration may seem a piracy of futile life. However, research shows that the deep stomach breathing stimulates the vagus nerve, which arouses the body’s relaxation response. As a result, stress hormones decrease and the relief follows.

Name your emotions

Stress never stays alone; He shares the spotlight with other emotions. However, as our society does not teach us to name and validate our feelings, we learn to block and delete them.

Parents can have a drink of additional wine, avoid a difficult conversation or judge themselves severely when stressed. These behaviors are protective defenses that protect us from emotions that seem unbearable.

Consciousness is the first step to name our emotions. With Chris and the other parents we work with, we provide a roadmap. It is an emotional health tool that we call the “change triangle”, which we, as parents, also use when stress occurs.

Initially developed by David Malan for psychotherapists, I (Hilary) adapted it to help the general public. The change triangle allows you to identify your emotional state and guides you towards calmer waters.

When Chris used the change triangle, he scanned his body from head to toe. He noticed how his heart was beating quickly, and he felt propelled to run: two physical signs of fear. Chris realized that he was afraid of losing his income, even if his compensation will cover the invoices for months. He also noticed a heaviness in his heart and pressure behind his eyes. Chris realized that with fear, he felt so sad.

Fear and sadness are the two fundamental emotions. Fear alerts us from the danger, while sadness tells us that there is something to cry. Chris missed his work and colleagues. Once he named and validated his emotions, Chris felt a greater feeling of relief, and his body felt calmer.

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Feeling more relaxed, he spoke to his children in a softer tone and they have experienced moments of joy together. The children of Chris felt comforted by his presence, and when he said “everything would be fine”, they believed him.

As parents, we invited ourselves to helping our children to “use their words” when their great feelings take over. But this practice empowers us too. Putting language to our emotions is called “denomination of emotions” and research shows that it helps compose their intensity.

Release emotions with adaptive actions

Basic emotions are pre-wired in the brain to help us survive. They are not under conscious control. These emotions encourage us to take measures that benefit us. Examples include slowdown and support for support when we are sad, to run from danger when fear is triggered, or set limits when we are angry.

By allowing himself to feel his emotions, Chris could identify what he needed. He made vigorous walks while listening to his favorite music and gave himself talks of encouragement, remembering that his stress was temporary. Known as “state changers”, these techniques can help move our emotional states. Other examples include taking a hot shower, exercise and journalization.