How to Respond to ‘How Are You?’ When You’re Not OK

If you saw Nora McInerny at the funeral of her husband of 35 years, you might have thought she had never looked more beautiful. That was the consensus “according to a lot of people,” she said, perhaps partly because she had lost weight after barely eating for months, but also because she kept insisting that she was absolutely, completely, totally fine.

Of course, that was a lie she told herself and others. “I felt the worst I’ve ever felt, and I didn’t feel anything at all,” she says. “And what did I do? I stood there and told everyone I was fine, and I changed the subject. I told everyone I was fine to the point where everyone in my life believed me. ‘She’s doing great! Look at her! Look at her Instagram! She’s doing great.'”

McInerny—author of books including It’s good to laugh (crying is cool too) And No happy ending— hosts the podcast Thanks for asking (formerly known as Terrible, thanks for askingan answer that is always on the tip of his tongue). In less than six weeks in 2014, her father died, her husband died of brain cancer, and she miscarried her second child. So it makes sense how much time she spent thinking about what she should say when someone asks how you’re doing, and the truth isn’t “good.”

What is the correct answer? We asked McInerny and other experts how to determine what would feel best.

Flip the script

About a year ago, Jennifer C. Veilleux set a goal for herself: She would try to never answer “I’m fine” or “I’m fine” if she didn’t really feel that way. When she hears these words come out of her mouth – which still happens from time to time – she corrects herself and tells the other person that she is trying to avoid sticking to the script we all generally expect.

“We know what we’re supposed to say: ‘I’m fine, how are you?’ Yet this is often not true,” says Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas at Fayetteville, who studies emotions. “It’s become a habit now to try to think and say, ‘Well, how am I do ? Am I okay or not? How can I answer this question in a way that reflects the reality of my moment?’”

Learn more: 11 Things to Say When Someone Dies, Besides “I’m Sorry”

Veilleux wants to avoid “expressive suppression” or a tendency to hide one’s feelings from others. “It’s brandishing a smiling mask, while inside, everything is collapsing,” she says. Research suggests that suppressing emotions is linked to increased anxiety, depression, and stress, as well as poor relationships. “Emotions are designed to be expressed, that’s one of their functions,” she says. When people get too used to holding it in to cope or manage their feelings, “it’s associated with a ton of psychological problems.”

Since swearing “I’m fine,” Veilleux has found that people respond “very well” to her more honest answers. “I think as human beings we crave connection and belonging – it’s a basic human need,” she says. “So to get a real answer to that question is refreshing.”

First, assess someone’s ability to know the truth

As a child life specialist and therapist, Kelsey Mora specializes in supporting families impacted by illness, grief, and tragedy. “In other words,” she said, “often families that are not doing well.”

It can be helpful to gauge how ready the person asking how you’re doing is to hear the messy truth, Mora says, especially if they don’t already know what you’re going through. You could phrase it this way: “Are you ready to receive an honest answer? » “Do you really want to know?” Or: “Do you want the long or short answer?” The goal is not to protect other people’s feelings from reality, she adds. This is to ensure they are able to provide you with the support you need.

McInerny sees this as a search for conversational consent. Sometimes she texts her best friend and says, “Can I call you and have a complete mental breakdown?” » The answer could be “of course” or “definitely, but in 15 minutes”. “So I don’t have to feel angry because she didn’t respond,” she said. “I don’t have to feel disappointed.”

Keep these handy answers handy

Depending on what you want to reveal, there are different ways to respond honestly when someone asks how you are. It’s not fair What you say, but how You’re the one who says it, it’s important. For example, Veilleux sometimes responds: “Honestly? I’m on the fight bus right now, this week, it’s a lot.” She says it in a positive tone and laughs like “you know how it is.” People tend to sympathize, she found, and chime in: “I hear you! This time of year is tough.” “It’s honest, but it doesn’t require a lot of disclosure,” she says.

Veilleux also keeps these answers in his back pocket:

• “I know I’m supposed to say I’m okay, but I’m not really okay right now.”
• “I’m standing, that’s about all I can say.”
• “I’m getting by…barely.”
• “Honestly, not that great.”
• “I’m going through a tough time right now.”

Each answer is truthful, while inviting the other person to ask what’s going on, without making them feel obligated to do so, she says. “Either you’re going to get a self-serving, compassionate response, ‘Tell me more, you can let me down,'” she says, “or you’re going to get a ‘Oh, that’s too bad,’ response where the person says, ‘I don’t want your feelings right now.’ » » When the latter situation occurs, you can try again with someone else who might have more listening skills, adds Veilleux.

Learn more: 10 Ways to Respond to Someone’s Bad News

If you’re thinking about what to say, keep in mind that the honest answer matters more than the “right” one, says Tyler Coe, who created How are we today?a PBS sitcom that aims to help people talk more frankly about mental health. For a long time, Coe kept his experiences with bipolar disorder quiet, never revealing how he really felt.

Now, when people ask him how he’s doing, he pauses, assesses how he’s really feeling, and then answers honestly. This might mean saying, “I’m having a rough day” when with a friend, or letting them know, “I’m not feeling well right now, but I’m working on it.” It might also issue this warning: “Hey, I’m about to vent here, but I’m just going to tell you honestly how I feel.” If he’s at work, he might opt ​​for “I manage.”

“The key is to not be ‘fine’ when you’re not,” he says, while acknowledging that it probably won’t feel natural at first. “I tell the truth about who I am, but it took me my whole life to get to this point.”

Even if it doesn’t, sometimes “well, thanks” does the trick.

If you’re checking out at Target and the cashier asks how you’re doing — and the truth is your life is in ruins — it’s probably best to just say you’re fine. The same goes if you pass a colleague in the hallway and you only have 30 seconds to get where you need to be.

There are other situations in which it may also be wise to stick to the script: if you’re talking to someone who has ignored your feelings or who has been hurtful in the past, for example, says Veilleux.

If you just don’t want to talk about how you’re doing, you can protect yourself by saying, “I’m fine,” Mora adds. She also likes this way of setting a boundary while remaining authentic: “Honestly, it’s been hard, but I’m not really up for talking about it right now.” This can work well when you are, for example, about to give a presentation at work and you can’t afford to introduce yourself out of turn. “It’s okay to say whatever you need to function,” she says, as long as you find a way to express your feelings at another time.

Remember: Most People Care

When McInerny was struggling – while telling everyone she was fine – she assumed they would be able to read her mind and simply know how she really felt. “I thought it was a completely reasonable thing to expect,” she said. “I’m lying right to your face, but I want you to understand somehow that I’m lying to you.” She believed that by downplaying her grief, she was doing the right thing: “What is our national anthem in America? It’s ‘you’re okay, stand up in your own strength; anyone can do it,'” she said. “If you don’t succeed, it feels like a personal failure.”