I always have to make the plans – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: My wife and I have been married for 26 years. Our children are 25 and 22 years old and live with us. Over the years, we have had many arguments and we have come to divorce immediately after the birth of my youngest. We attended advice for a while, but that hasn’t changed anything.
In recent years, each small argument triggered my wife as a lighting switch. Her anger immediately rises to the point where she shouts at the top of her lungs with total contempt for me, our children or our neighbors. When I get tired and turn to me, she hovers on me, continuing her dam. Three weeks ago, an insane argument degenerated to the point where she launched a heavy glass bottle and a metal cup at my head. She missed but then dug her nails in my arm.
I fell back knowing that defending myself physically would only get things to get things. My children came to run and managed to keep it back and speak it. She has gone to work and to date has not yet discussed her actions. It was the second time that my wife has attached me physically with her nails, the first time after having taken place several years ago.
I have no interest in putting an end to my wedding, as unhealthy, but I fear that she had not taken any responsibility for her actions and never apologized. In addition, I am sure that she is able to attack again and if she does, what should I do?
I know that all the suggestions on my part will be immediately slaughtered. What should I do?
– Do not look good
Dear well: This marriage is abusive; You are in danger but there is help available. You have written that you do not want to end your wedding, so I will suggest other options, but priority must be your health and your safety and this may only be possible with separation.
Please contact the national hotline on domestic violence (Thehotline.org) and share with them what is happening. They can reflect what they hear and guide you through options to protect you. Abusive behavior degenerates and it seems that your wife is a danger to you, for your children and for yourself. So the first thing to do is to put space between you and it. This may mean that it temporarily leaves the house; This may mean you and the children leave the house. Talk to the skilled stakeholders in the hotline and the trusted friends of your best option and the most easily accessible.
Do it for yourself, but also for your children. Although they are adults, it is always a traumatic environment for them. You don’t have to live like that. Your wife is able to change, but she must want to change first. In the meantime, you shouldn’t have to suffer.
Dear Eric: I have several friends with whom I like to come together. Sometimes it’s a day trip, other times it could be a lunch or a film. My concern is that it is never initiated by one of them. The weeks will pass, and if I contact the person, she is always happy to talk about me. If I suggest a meeting or a day, it seems delighted and grateful to think of it. However, the invitation never indicates with it.
Can you explain why it seems to be a model with these individuals? I find myself more and more resentment because I seem to do all research and planning and they are just for the journey. At the end of the day, literally, they always say (and act) as if they had had a good time.
By the way, if that makes a difference, none of them know each other; These are individuals I know in different contexts.
– Planning
Dear planner: The problem of being a good planner is that everyone always wants you to make the plan. It is easy for friendships to fall into a planning / Go-Along dichotomy with the flow, especially if the other person is more passive or less capable of initiating social interactions. So try not to take it personally. Curiously, it’s a kind of compliment. Your friends therefore appreciate the things you think, they do not feel the need to contribute in this way.
Start by readjust shared expectations. It will take baby steps. The next time you are together, fix a date for your next release and invite them to make the plan. By leading the charge on fixing the date, you relax them in the shallow waters of the planning of events, then you release them, allowed to really plan the thing. Sometimes friends need an additional permission or boost to present themselves so as to reflect mutual appreciation.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
