I am three months sober. How do I support my 11-year-old autistic son? | Parents and parenting

I am a to recoveralcoholic and need advice on how to Support my son, who is 11 years old and autistic. I am three months old with the help of rehabilitation and AA, but my alcohol consumption has become heavy Over the past two years (I was sober during the first six years of my son’s life).

Towards the end, my alcohol consumption was 24/7 and my son unfortunately saw me Out of control and desperately unhappy. He developed a sense of responsibility, that he was the only person who could prevent me from drinking (by physically removing the bottles)of which I feel totally ashamed. I told him several times that the only person who can help me drink is me.

He lived with his father to A few months (we divorced five years ago, but he supported my recovery) and returned with me when he started the school in September. The confidence between us grows slowly because he can see that I do not drink and that I put all my efforts to improve.

My son is still super vigilant and worried about my safety. This means that he terribly controls my actions – in part Because of his anxiety about my drink, but also because he is autistic and worried about all that is unpredictable. I work on confidence and limits; It would be easy to give in to your requests, but it doesn’t seem just as a parent. It’s difficult because I also feel extremely guilty.

I have referred our family to children’s services whileI am in detoxification cure, and we expect help for my son of our local drug support service. In the meantime, I feel Really at sea on how to speak to him. I don’t want to upset him, but I don’t want to ignore the past either. HOW Are we moving forward?

Incredibly well done to realize that you need help and get it. You asked me a very specific question: how to speak to your son and support him.

I went to the systemic psychotherapist Rebecca Harris, who is director of the drug addiction region in a London mental health trust, and has more than twenty of 20 years of experience in this area. “Children need to feel safe,” she said. “Your son went through an unpredictable period when he could not be sure that you could keep it, or yourself, safe. He may feel worried about raising these problems with you now. Children tend to think that things are their fault [the alternative, that it’s their parents’ fault, is too great a threat to their survival, so they turn the blame inwards]. Autism can exacerbate all of this. »»

Harris also said that “it is not uncommon for people in terms of active dependence to apologize and promises that they may not be able to keep. to show Your son that things are better, rather than saying.

Focus on him settling in school and establish a good routine. Then introduce the idea that no subject is outside the discussion table (if that is indeed the case). Meals can be the right time to speak like activities side by side such as walking or driving, because there is minimal visual contact, which some people find too intense. Perhaps there is an activity that you and your son like to do together? Do not think “we must speak”, think of the opportunities to speak and see if they occur. Harris also wondered about your son’s favorite communication method. He might not speak; It could be written, or it could be a mixture of the two.

Harris and I asked if your son’s sure place outside his house with you is with his father? It is important for him to know, and for you not to take it personally if it is there that he sometimes wants to go there. This does not mean that you have failed if it does, it is a process and it will not be linear.

I am happy that you have continuous support for the drug addiction services. We were not sure that the local drug services could help your son (they generally deal with adults, but could have someone who can support him). These groups can also be useful: Al-Anon family groups (Alateen); National association for children of alcoholics (NACOA); Autistic National Society.

Harris said, “You must separate your needs and those from your son. Make sure you don’t do it better better to feel better – to absolve yourself – because you can’t do it by your son. You can better focus on what it needs if you have good support yourself. ”

You are fine. Continue.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our terms and conditions. Annasa’s latest series of the podcast is available here.