I can’t stand my sister’s husband. What can I do about him? | Life and style

I love my sister. But I can’t stand her husband. He’s an idiot Who thinks it is better than others and who talks to them. I am a man in my 50 and I used to visit my sister a lot, but now I prefer to do something else. I try To hide it, but it must be clear that I don’t hold it. They were married for eight years And Things get worse; He worked and contributed, but now he doesn’t even do that. What can I do? I want to support my sister while Spend as little time as possible with her husband.

This happens in many families, unfortunately. Unless her parents separate and remarry, it is generally only when the brothers and sisters associate themselves with a new person (a foreigner!) Is brought into the family and that the dynamics change. We all want these new additions to bring joy and harmony, but unfortunately, they do not. And then we are not only struggling with a person we do not like, who is now part of the family, but we find ourselves looking at the person who brought them and thinking: “Really?” This can lead to all kinds of dismantling of childhood feelings when he is a brother.

Unfortunately, we cannot control this because people will insist on doing their own thing. You have not told me the age of your sister (or about its previous partners and what you feel about them), but it seems that this dynamic is relatively new to you.

By reading your letter, I wondered about many things – the age gap between you and your sister, what your relationship previously looked like, how you were raised.

My specialist this week, the psychotherapist recorded by the UKCP, Stephanie White, felt the same thing. Sorry for all questions, but they can help you. We wondered if you used to take care of your sister or be his protector? What has your brother-in-law changed for you?

“Does” ask White, “something familiar here? Is he reminding you of an important person in your youth?”

This can be important because, even if you can always find your boring brother-in-law, irritation may decrease if you realize that it reminds you of someone else and is therefore too severely judged.

The fact that your brother-in-law does not work and that “does not contribute” also seems really relevant here. No one likes a inponition – Is that how you see it? “In the end,” said White, “your sister chose this man.” And perhaps by doing this, you see parts of her that you do not like and that you have trouble admitting? Maybe you have to come to a place where you love your sister but don’t like your choices. Are you with someone? Does she like your partner?

White suggests that you try to see if there is common ground with your brother-in-law. This can be difficult given your feelings towards him, but it is worth trying. Otherwise, “try to maneuver with your sister without him”.

I have come to the conclusion for a long time that it is sometimes easier to have feelings towards the parents-in-law than the person who brought them. The problems presented as, for example, “I do not get up with my mother-in-law” are often, when you scratch the surface, really: “I want my husband to be more assertive”. It’s worth thinking.

In therapy, it is said that people that we do not like often remind us of people of our childhood, or even pieces of ourselves that we do not like. And even if I think it’s true, I’m not therapist, so I can say that sometimes people are just boring. In our own lives, we can move away from these people, but when they are brought to the family by others, we are stuck with them.

All you can do is try to determine why you find your brother-in-law so boring, which can help. And then do not reduce the time you spend with your sister, but do not spend more time with him than necessary. If your sister asks, I find that the very English expression “it is simply not my cup of tea” does wonders.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri addresses a personal problem sent by a reader. If you want Annasaa advice, please send your problem to ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Analisa regrets that she cannot enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to Our terms and conditions. Annasa’s latest series of the podcast is available here.