I’m laid up with an injury so instead of walking to the park to watch fireworks, my wife and I watched a movie called “Carry-On.” Jason Bateman plays a badass bad guy who’s been paid to smuggle a chemical bomb onto an L.A. to D.C. airplane. The protagonist is a TSA guy who Bateman blackmails into ignoring the nerve gas bomb in a carry-on, as it passes through the TSA guy’s security station.
Besides Bateman’s casting as a badass and the rest of the movie being ridiculous, I focused on the final act’s silliness. Bateman was trying to put his carry-on (the title of the movie) into the overhead bin. It didn’t fit. Throughout this movie, Jason Bateman is Jason Bourne with his MacGyver skills, fixing every problem with his metal duct tape. He knows everything about everything. He has the ability to improvise on the fly.
But as the final act rolls, Bateman is at his seat row trying to jam his carry-on into the bin. Bonk…bonk bonk. The bomb-case he is apparently being paid several million to get onto the plane doesn’t fit into the overhead bin. Surprise. Why doesn’t it fit? Jason Angus MacGyver is trying to shove the carry-on bomb into the bin, head first. As the wheels bounce in his face, Jason Badass forces it in a half-dozen times.
Half the plane’s passengers, meanwhile, are in the aisle, watching him with death-eyes. A flight attendant (you can’t call them stewardesses) miraculously appears and tells him that that his carry-on doesn’t fit. He needs to gate-check it. He agrees to gate-check his bomb-laden case.
Spoiler: The TSA guy saves the day. He climbs into the plane’s cargo area and disarms the bomb. He melts Bateman with the nerve agent, when Bateman tries to stop him. I liked that ending.
Then, this morning, I watched a video of a couple of Spirit Airlines passengers duking it out on a flight. They were throwing haymakers and missing each other, like both were the Invisible Man.
Both events reminded me of the topic of plane etiquette. I know the concept doesn’t exist, but it should. In fact, I think that every passenger should be required to fill out a “Plane Etiquette Contract.” Part of it would be a multiple-choice quiz that includes questions like:
Do you get off the plane faster, if you stand up within three seconds of the plane coming to a stop?
- No
- Hell, no
- No, but I if stand up and block the 89-year-old woman in 24-C and ignore the looks from others, I might feel important
If anyone answers that question with “3,” they are banned for life.
If you bring a child on the plane that, via your inattentiveness, acts like an ass, you lose your flying privileges.
The test will be like the one they give at the DMV. Unless you are braindead, you’ll pass. Sure, that will eliminate about 100 million people, but tough; I don’t want you flying with me anyway.
I want a federal bill that requires people to take that test before getting on a plane. With BBB, the feds have required slackers do something for their benefits. I think fliers should be required to meet minimum standards of “plane etiquette.” If they fail the test, they have to take a Greyhound bus or a train. Or maybe walk, if they are overweight.
Why do people in, say, row 30 stand up, anyway? Why do people feel compelled to pull out their carry-ons when they have nowhere to go?
I frankly don’t mind people who recline their seats. Seats recline. It’s allowed.
If you take your shoes and socks off, though, you should be banned for life.
Anyone who knows that the flight is full and puts their backpack into the overhead bin and then looks around like they just farted – they should be cuffed and removed.
I demand a national “plane etiquette” test happen right away.
Who’s with me?
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