I don’t want to talk at events – Chicago Tribune
Dear Eric: We are going to many concerts and sporting events, and I want to watch and / or listen. However, so often the others just want to talk. I need a polished way of asking them to leave me alone so that I can watch and enjoy the event. Ideas?
– here for the group
Dear group: It is probably easier to resolve this prerequisite. If you go with a group, or even with a friend or two, tell them in advance: “I am really excited by this event. I know that sometimes the group can enter a conversation in things like that. But I like to concentrate. So don’t think I’m rude if I don’t participate. “
What you are trying to do is simply reset an expectation. It seems that the people you are going to expect that concerts and sporting events are social connection opportunities. And for many people, that’s what they are. But you are not alone in wanting to pay attention only to what is happening on stage or on the field. Your friends may not notice it or think that you can easily go from observation mode to conversation mode. So make them understand in this part of you will help them as well as you.
If they slide and try to commit, offer a reminder. “Remember, I’m really in the concert. But don’t let me prevent you from having fun. I’m going to make up for the conversation afterwards. And I’m going to catch up on the sets list.”
Dear Eric: I am married to a wonderful woman who is a fixer of things. It is none of our first marriages and we have a large family mixed with adult children, some with spouses and children, who generally get along well.
One of his children spoke of the idea of a family vacation. There is a group of group with his children whom I have not seen, but when my wife spoke to one of the children, it has become obvious that the group will not invite my children.
At the beginning, I thought it was a problem, but the more I think about it, I think it is a bit of nostalgia for their childhood trips which also recognizes that there are more people now involved by bringing spouses and children, but always that it is their group of brothers and sisters.
I think my problem is with my wife. She received this news as a light and presented it to me in this way, which originally led me on this path. She then offered her ideas to alleviate the problem that also strengthened the idea of a light. His idea is to have a separate trip with my children and perhaps also invite another family. The more I think about it, a separate trip seems to strengthen the idea of a rift.
I think she tries to fit and make a problem where I don’t think there is one. How can I allow him to think about this question, or of future problems, without offering ways to repair it? Or do I just try to maintain peace by not pushing that my children are included?
– slightly confused daddy
Dear dad: Sometimes the fixers see a waste far on the way and they rush, broom by hand, to try to clean it before someone else reaches it. But what they do not understand is that what may seem a waste from afar can be very good when you reach it. Or would never have been a waste to start. She tries to manage your feelings and those of your children when she would have managed to ask you for your feelings, then listen to them.
People who are fixers often think that everyone’s emotions are their responsibility. This can be a real challenge. But, in turn, it is not your responsibility to solve this problem for it.
Instead, clearly tell him what you feel: “I don’t see this as a problem, and I would strongly prefer that we remain outside. It is a bit of you to think of my children, but this solution puts tension for me, and I think that will project the journey of your children in a light that hurts more than good.” So ask her if she can respect the way you feel.
Respect opens a lot of doors. You can then ask her to say more about what she feels and tell her that you respect this too. All your children are adults and adults should be responsible for managing their own feelings and having conversations when these feelings are injured (this does not always happen, but it is possible.) Ask him to compromise by letting your children manage this by themselves. If they need her to repair it, they will ask.
(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askinric.com or Po Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and register for his weekly newsletter at Rercthomas.com.)
