I expect friends to let me down so I play the victim. How can I stop? | Life and style

I am a 38 year old woman with three children and a husband. I often expect people to disappoint meAnd make an appointment expecting them to pull out at the last minute. I then start to play the role of the victim, the abandoned friendand this whole story begins in my head.

I can invite a friend to something, but then find all the reasons why the thing is stupid and they wouldn’t want to come. I downplay saying, “Oh, it’s nothing fun”, and “Don’t worry if you can’t come”, even though I know I I would have a good time.

II would love to drop this mentality of preemptively thinking that my friends will let me down, or which I’m not worth taking the time for. Advice on how to navigate these times with compassion for myself and others?

Psychoanalytic psychotherapist Susanna Abse and I found you to be incredibly insightful. Few people can view their own behavior and thoughts in this way. As Abse said, “You’ve done half the work of therapy, which is noticing relationship patterns and understanding them. I’m impressed by this level of insight, even though I feel like it’s made you feel self-critical and bad about yourself.”

To function well, friendships and relationships need two basic ingredients: trust and a sense of security. Without it, emotional intimacy cannot occur and we struggle to make plans and communicate effectively how we feel.

Abse thought you might feel this way because it’s your fault – probably (like so many things) formed in childhood. “We all have stories and scenarios in our heads about the nature of relationships, and usually they are shaped by childhood experiences. So I’m wondering, have you perhaps experienced traumatic moments of disappointment? It’s hard enough as an adult, but in childhood, if the people you depend on most (usually parents) repeatedly let you down, you’ll probably develop a belief that it will happen again. And maybe it will even happen because you deserve, or because you are not very lovable Not only that, but perhaps expecting to be disappointed is somehow easier than expecting to be satisfied and appreciated?

I would add that it’s not just parents who can do this to you, but also siblings. I wonder if any of this resonates?

Abse explained that sometimes we adopt a victim position almost as a form of defense – using pessimism as protection. “Having hope and expecting that good things will happen to us, that people will like us and love us, means that if we are disappointed, there is even more downfall. So taking the position of victim, before you actually find yourself a victim, kind of protects you. You are in charge, and there are no unpleasant surprises that might trigger the kind of feelings you may have had in your childhood when bad things happened.”

I would take the time to think about where these feelings came from. If they are ingrained, they have probably been learned. But please try to be compassionate with yourself. It can also help you gain perspective if you think about situations in which you may have let others down – not to make yourself feel worse, but to help you realize that we often have to change plans, and that these are just life’s challenges and have nothing to do with how we feel about people.

I remember a friend once asked me why I “always” canceled on her. I said, “Actually, no. You canceled the last two times” – she had forgotten. But her inner story (learned in childhood) was canceling itself out, so that’s all she saw: reality was different.

Also remember that it’s one thing to expect to be disappointed, but another to self-sabotage and tell someone, “Don’t worry if you can’t make it,” if that really matters to you. Just leave that aside and – this is where trust comes in – say, “I’d like to see you” and leave the rest to them.

Each week, Annalisa Barbieri tackles a personal issue sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Annalisa, please send your problem to Ask.annalisa@theguardian.com. Annalisa regrets not being able to enter into personal correspondence. Submissions are subject to our terms and conditions. The latest series of Annalisa’s podcast is available here.