I find myself doing the lion’s share of everything – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I am a 47 year old man who has lived with my 44 year old wife for 12 years. Six years ago we made the decision to move away from city life and buy land. We had long discussions about what this would entail – the work required, maintenance, etc.

My wife was very excited about the idea and assured me she would help me with anything the property needed.

We both work full time. Since we moved here, she’s barely lifted a finger. I do most of the outdoor work, which is laborious, and she has to do most of the indoor housework. I find myself doing the lion’s share of everything as she is more interested in her internet games and streaming videos.

I have some health issues that need to be managed and doing everything myself is starting to take a toll on me. When I try to have conversations about needing more help or when I try to motivate her to help me, she stops and goes to bed with her online game.

I have noticed the physical changes in her due to this lifestyle and anything I say to try to make her more active and healthier is met with derision. What else can I do to get her moving?

– I do everything myself

Dear myself: It may not be in your power to change your wife, and it is not your responsibility. There is something that is not being said between you, perhaps on both sides. You have to find a way to talk about it. The best route is marriage counseling. You could approach it with a specific question. I suggest the question be: “Is this house still the right place for us?” » Right now, space is an albatross, so you need a safe place, with a neutral third party, where you can both be honest about how you feel and what you want your marriage to be.

Dear Eric: A friend of mine has a 31-year-old son who died of liver disease following a failed transplant.

I understand that a person’s lifespan is determined by a higher power. However, I am going through a very difficult time with the fact that this young man is suffering and will likely not survive, while one particular person in my life who lived to be 90 was nothing but a narcissistic, selfish, hateful, miserable person.

This woman was a very close relative of mine who took every opportunity she could to berate and ridicule most people she knew, including myself and many others.

For the last five years of her life, she required 24/7 care, which was great, but which she complained about constantly.

I can’t help but think that the attention and care she received from the staff was unnecessary for her and may have wasted time and resources for other patients needing care.

When she finally died in her sleep, I didn’t shed a tear.

Life isn’t fair, I know that, but my friend’s son’s situation is so sad. I can’t help but think how different these two end-of-life situations are.

I would appreciate your advice on how to move on from “dealing” with my deceased parent’s situation, while still supporting my friend whose young son is dying.

– An unfair fate in life

Dear life: I’m sorry your friend’s son is dying. You’re right: it’s not fair and it’s good to recognize that. However, it seems that your grief is attached to something unrelated and that will not help you. This is completely normal. Grief clings to the most random things; he appears at random times and places; it’s hungry and opportunistic. But every time you think about the older child in your life who complained, remember that she didn’t get more than her share. If she had less time or valued her time more, it would have no impact on what your friend’s son receives.

This is good news, because it means we are not depriving others simply by living. Our actions certainly can. Our management of the world’s resources certainly can. But the number of days fixed by each is his own.