I never feel first – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My boyfriend and I have been together for over 15 years. He has children and grandchildren. One child is a divorced single parent with two teenagers and one younger. My boyfriend has to be there with them whenever the parent is working. And after work, instead of going home, the parent decides to “go out” knowing that my boyfriend will be there.

He and I have to plan our time to go out and have fun around the parents’ work schedule.

I realize he may have some obligations, but he and I need a social life and should not be dependent on his child’s schedule all the time.

I never feel like the first, ever! We are both retired and should be able to spend the remaining years of our lives having fun, not following someone else’s schedule.

I was a single mom years ago and managed my kids and work/social schedule with my own support, finding babysitters, et cetera. I guess times have changed. Helping is wonderful, but benefiting is another. Any ideas?

– Sitter situation

Dear Guardian: After 15 years together, I would be surprised if this difference of opinion did not arise. But even so, it helps to have a calm conversation about the calendar. You may want to ask specific questions. “I would like to go out on Friday. Can we make it a regular evening when you are not available to babysit?” He may agree or disagree – both are opportunities to continue the conversation by making compromises and asking questions.

The bigger question is whether he considers social life an important part of your relationship. If babysitting is something he enjoys and doesn’t want to change, then the conversation can shift to ways that both of you can meet your needs.

You want to feel first, which is a good way to feel. But you may not feel what you think. The needs of the family will be different from the needs of a romantic relationship; the needs of children/adolescents will be different from those of adults. It may not be fair to ask him to choose you over his grandchildren, but it is fair to tell him that you want to feel like your relationship is a priority and to speak through concrete actions that communicate the priority to you. It also gives him the opportunity to talk about his priorities. Ideally, these conversations will help you see yourself more clearly and know how to show each other love more effectively.

Dear Eric: Currently, I live with my partner in his son’s apartment. We pay rent and have our own room. Her son is 36 years old, divorced and without children. He’s a nice guy and seems responsible.

Last night he hosted a friend’s daughter and she slept on a bed in his room. She is 12 or 13 years old. I am horrified. I don’t believe there’s anything inappropriate going on, but it’s still inappropriate on many levels.

I am a retired criminal defense attorney and have also served as an ADA in juvenile court. I’ve seen how bad it can get.

All she has to do is get upset about something and make an accusation and he makes a toast. He works in maintenance for the local school district. Lost job, impossible to get it back. Once the friendship is over, we can’t get it back and a question mark constantly hovers over his head. People will always be a little suspicious of him.

My question is: do I talk to him? He’s not my son and he didn’t ask for it. I’m afraid I’ll offend him and he’ll kick us out. But that’s just not appropriate. And honestly, I’m surprised his parents are okay with that. What are your thoughts?

– In a dilemma

Dear When: This also worries me a lot. For both the child and the adult, it is confusing at best and harmful at worst. Talk to him about it for two reasons. First, even if you’re a guest in his home, you still have the right to bring up things that make you uncomfortable. This is a shared space and his choices regarding this shared space have alarmed you. At the very least, he will be able to answer these questions so that everyone can coexist peacefully.