I’m not having him over again unless he apologizes – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: My boyfriend of almost two years seems unable to separate himself from his ex-partner’s family. The marriage lasted 15 years. He had no children and therefore had virtually no contact with his wife.

However, he doesn’t seem willing to turn down any invitations from the family to dinner, lunch and a weekend away at their bayside home. At first I went with him because I was invited, but I got tired of hearing about the ex-wife from her family, so I started saying no. I have expressed my displeasure on numerous occasions so my boyfriend is happy to join them for meals and family events without me.

While I was out of town visiting family for two weeks, my boyfriend revealed to me that he had been out with the family four times in less than a week. When he mentioned joining them for Thanksgiving dinner, he knew from my reaction that I wasn’t happy about it.

Any advice for me going forward? If he knows I don’t like him doing this, it seems he would stop.

– Confused

Dear Confused: I wouldn’t go so far as to say that your boyfriend should stop doing something like that just because you don’t like it. But the questions you raise should prompt him to give you a little more information about what he thinks.

Although many, if not most, people do not maintain the same level of closeness with their in-laws after a divorce, it is clear that people in this situation feel differently. They lived together for 15 years, so you can see the logic, I guess.

But I can’t help but wonder where the ex-wife is in all of this. Is she spending time with the family, or is your boyfriend relaxing with his parents while she’s somewhere else?

But at the end of the day, it’s about you and your boyfriend. When you share your displeasure with him going to his ex-in-laws, he should share with you what this relationship means to him and why it is important that he maintain it.

You certainly don’t have to accept his reasoning. These hangouts can be non-negotiable for you and end the relationship. But it’s worth noting that, based on your letter, nothing inappropriate is happening here. The biggest issue brought up was that a woman’s family was talking about her, which isn’t that scandalous. It may be best to accept that these people are a part of your boyfriend’s life.

Dear Eric: My brother-in-law (never known for his tact or diplomacy) came to our house for Thanksgiving dinner where we had 15 people in attendance. Getting everything on the table on time is always a challenge, but every year people show up, eat, drink and be merry.

This year, my brother-in-law announced twice, in a loud, booming voice, “This turkey is frozen!” It wasn’t very hot because it was taken out of the oven to be carved and to make room for whatever needed to go in, and because of all the items that other guests showed up with that needed to be heated. But it wasn’t cold. He then left early, telling me that dinner was too busy.

I was angry, my husband was angry. He texted my brother-in-law the next day about it. My brother-in-law responded that I “was having too many things for dinner” (which is actually pretty rich of him since he hasn’t hosted anything in years).

I saw him the same weekend for another family function (a function held elsewhere) and he came over to tell me everything that was wrong with the dinner. I said “NOPE” and refused to engage with him.

I told my husband I wouldn’t see him again unless he apologized. My husband thinks I’m unrealistic. Thoughts?

– Leave him Cold Turkey

Dear Stopper: Kudos to you for not throwing the unglazed turkey right into his lap. He absolutely owes you an apology. It sounds like he is struggling with mental or emotional issues that are affecting his ability to respond appropriately. You’re suggesting he’s always been like that. So when your husband says you’re not being realistic, he may be saying, “Well, you know how he is. What can we do?”

But there’s a big difference between knowing that a loved one is a pill and loving them despite themselves and being grossly insulted by a loved one and just sucking it up. You don’t have to accept it. There are consequences to our actions. And it’s realistic to hold other adults accountable when they act.