Introduction of a child changes dynamic for longtime housemates – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: My 40-year-old daughter has been living in a house with a very nice, recently retired elderly gentleman for about 10 years. He has an adult son and daughter-in-law who are drug addicts.

Recently, due to domestic violence against their 4-year-old child, the daughter-in-law was arrested and has a protection order to stay away from her husband.

In the meantime, the man my daughter lives with is now temporarily looking after the 4-year-old. The man is ready to take care of his grandson in the long term, if necessary.

My daughter understands this and does not blame him for accepting temporary custody of his grandson.

The problem is that our daughter has a very good job that involves daily and sometimes overnight travel. Due to her travel and work demands, she realizes that she needs a good night’s sleep. She doesn’t get enough sleep because of her grandson’s health problems at night.

She is ready to stay with him now to provide support as his new responsibility is demanding. But she doubts whether such an arrangement would be conducive to her well-being.

Should she have a long conversation with the man and tell him that she needs to find somewhere else to live for her safety, her driving, and her job? She and the man get along very well. But she wonders what she should do: leave him and thank him for the past and wish him the best or stay there and do her best?

– Restless roommates

Dear roommates: A discussion is the right way to go. Regardless of the circumstances, roommates often find that after a while their needs change, even though they still love each other. It is normal for life factors to motivate movements. Talking about it helps ease hurt feelings.

Your daughter should think about the obligation she feels to the man and his grandson. It’s understandable that after such a long friendship, she would want to support him. But is she the best person to provide this support? Part of the tension may be that she is trying to fill a role for which another person—a parent, home health aide, or social worker—is better suited. She should therefore also ask the man what support he needs and, if she feels able, help him think about the best way to get this support.

Dear Eric: My late husband and I were married nine years ago; both of our former spouses had died. We were both 80 years old.

Initially, we agreed to split all our expenses 50/50 and we drafted a prenup. Over time, her daughter began to question our financial arrangements and therefore decided to take over her banking and accounts. That suited me.

Later, she also decided unilaterally to monitor his health. She and her brother decided to take him off his cancer treatment and medications.

He recently passed away and I wanted to help with the funeral arrangements. I was very upset that she refused to tell me about it.

From that day until today, no one from his family has ever contacted me or asked how I was. Thanksgiving and Christmas have passed and I still have hostile thoughts toward his entire family, viewing them as mean, insensitive, and uncaring toward me as someone who took great care of him physically and emotionally. I need to let this go, but it comes up frequently in my consciousness. How can I move forward?

– Abandoned by family

Dear Family: I am so sorry that you were treated this way. This is not good, as you know. Although it’s possible that your late husband’s children had difficulty accepting your marriage due to their own grief over the loss of their mother, they shouldn’t have made you suffer. Grieving is difficult and complicated; Finding your way around can be difficult without help. But help is available.

Your own grief may be one of the reasons this behavior is so difficult to overcome. It is possible that the cruel way they treated you made it difficult for you to accept your husband’s death. So I would recommend talking to a therapist or religious leader about what you are experiencing. You can also join a grief support group. These experiences will always be part of your story, but by processing your feelings, you can reduce their power over you.

It can also be helpful to remember that nothing your late husband’s family did or are doing can take away the years you shared and the love you felt for each other. Try to focus on that and lean on those who love and care for you for support.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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