They asked for leftovers – Chicago Tribune

Dear Eric: I spent a year helping my elderly parents sell their house and pay off huge debts, mostly due to my mother’s spending and hoarding. My father is unable to handle anything due to health issues. I received help from my family, so I am not alone in this situation. I am still very involved in helping them with finances and doctors.

They are now in a small rental with no maintenance or gardening chores. My problem is the bad feelings I have towards my mother after all we did packing up her house, moving them, dealing with movers, dumpsters, property and house sales.

She often makes comments about us taking away her stuff and taking her money (this is not true, but he is safe due to her very poor money management).

She also thanks in a roundabout way the criticism of how we did everything. I find it harder to be with her.

Our relationship wasn’t great at first. I started therapy and understand that I can’t change her or really have any expectations of her because she is just incapable, but I still have so much resentment and bad feelings towards her. I don’t know how to move on.

– A disgruntled helping hand

Dear helping hand: I’m glad you started therapy. It’s a long journey, but you’ve taken the right first step. Your therapist can help you sort out what is yours and what feelings you can release. Your therapist can also help you establish good boundaries with your mother, as it sounds like this will be necessary.

A boundary won’t stop him from making remarks, but it can give you options about what to do and say and how to remove yourself from situations that harm your emotional state.

It’s also helpful to adapt your mother’s response. His hoarding and financial mismanagement were likely caused by trauma, perhaps occurring early in his life. This trauma has not been resolved and she is still suffering, but without the same coping mechanisms. She also mourns the loss of her possessions. So this may help you remember that part of this is the pain of your mother speaking.

You can’t take it away, but you can help him find tools to fix it. If she is willing to see a therapist, that would be wonderful. You can also talk to a financial advisor about other options for protecting your money. It seems like it’s not healthy for her to have unlimited access, but perhaps there are ways to make her feel more empowered and make you feel less responsible for keeping her away from her worst impulses.

Dear Eric: What do you think of someone who asks to come to your house for dinner, then asks for leftovers to take home? I was surprised by this. He’s one of our close friends.

– Home cook

Dear cook: I think this is a sign that the meal was good enough to want to enjoy it a second time. I would take that as a compliment. And if you don’t want to part with the leftovers, you can say “no.”

Dear Eric: I would like to expand on your answer to the question “Heirlooms and More” regarding where collectors can go to gather information on the value of their antiques and other items.

Certified appraisers are the best source for valuing valuable properties. These individuals specialize in different areas of collecting and can provide up-to-date valuations in different scenarios such as replacement, auction, and retail store value. Collectors can search for appraisers online by visiting the websites of the Appraisers Association of America (AAA), American Society of Appraisers (ASA), and International Society of Appraisers (ISA). Appraisers should not charge a percentage of the value of items or offer to purchase items, as both of these activities may affect the valuation provided.

Large auction houses periodically offer free valuation days. Finally, there are various price guides (Kovels for example) that can be consulted which report the values ​​of the different objects sold at auctions, fairs, flea markets and stores.

Local antique dealers are generally not helpful unless they are specialists in the item owners’ field of collecting. In general, collectors should have an appraisal completed by a licensed appraiser before contacting potential buyers of their items. Knowledge is

the best tool to ensure that items are sold at prices commensurate with their value.