Living life when the uniform comes off

When I left military service in 2020, I had no intention of committing suicide. But sometimes we have no idea what awaits us in life.

In the military, I knew exactly what I was supposed to do from dusk to dawn. I have always had a mission.

But all that changed as soon as I became a civilian again. I no longer had a career or direction, much less a mission.
I enlisted in the Marine Corps, then joined the Army, and finally enlisted in the National Guard. In doing so, I suffered lasting injuries that left scars. I was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder and still suffer from night terrors to this day.

Still, I loved where my life was going. Not only did I have a career, but I also had a wife and a son, Callum. Then my life changed. My wife left me abruptly and filed for custody. I decided not to reenlist so I could stay close to our son.

I had no plans for my civilian life once I left active duty. I moved from job to job, first as a bartender, then as a landscaper. One night I drove drunk, got arrested for drunk driving and went to jail. This really set me back. I had no choice but to change my life.

So I decided to go back to school. I applied to Rockford Career College, a two-year career college in Rockford, Illinois. I had tried my hand at being an electrician and loved it enough to practice to get better. It turns out that few trade schools seem to participate in the GI Bill program. According to Veterans Education Success, less than half of all trade schools have GI Bill beneficiaries. So I took advantage of it.

But one night in 2021, I had a breakdown. I suddenly fell into the deepest depression. I had left the army to be with my son, but I almost never got to see him.

I lay on the kitchen floor, pointing a 9-millimeter handgun, a single-action semi-automatic pistol, at my mouth, ready to pull the trigger. But just then, my roommate came into our apartment, saw me, and yelled at me to stop. He ran towards me, punched me in the face and knocked me unconscious. He saved my life.

It turned out that my university was friendly toward veterans, so much so that they had an upstairs lounge just for veterans. I quickly realized that other veterinarians had the same difficulties as me.

We all felt a sense of brotherhood in the army. Serving our country had instilled in each of us a well-defined identity. We struggled to feel like we belonged anywhere. We had to understand our new mission. We had to figure out who we were without our uniforms.

So many of the lessons I had learned in the military came in handy. We were always taught to stay 15 minutes ahead of any challenges that might arise. All of these things that were instilled in us and the character traits that we developed as a result turned out to have a purpose beyond the barracks.

Slowly, I pulled myself together. Most of all, I took to heart what my Army squad leader told us every time a soldier in our unit complained about where he was stationed. “The grass is not always greener on the other side,” he said. “It’s greener where you water it.”

In short, make the most of whatever is happening in front of you at that moment. And this is my call to action for other veterans. Get back to your warrior mindset. Remember the skills you were taught during training. Look for your next assignment rather than waiting for it to be given to you.

I started a club at school to help other veterinarians. We raised an American flag in our living room, set up couches, and installed a mini-fridge. We met regularly to find solutions to our problems.

My new career is on track. I’m excited about my second chance. I’m no longer Ryan the Army Sergeant or Marine Lance Corporal. Now I’m Ryan the electrician, still alive, back at work.

Andrekus is a veteran of three branches of the U.S. military and an electrician based in Chicago.