Longtime friends leave couple out of annual vacation – New York Daily News

Dear Eric: For the past several years, our family has celebrated the New Year with another family in a very specific location on the Jersey Shore. It’s a great annual tradition.

This year, for some reason, we did not book this hotel. There was no mention of the trip all year, us assuming it wasn’t happening.

Then, a few weeks before the new year, the other family sheepishly mentioned that they had booked a room at the same hotel we had been staying at for years. They asked us if we wanted to join them, but of course it was pretty short notice so we couldn’t.

I suspect they knew about it for a while and just didn’t want us there. Otherwise, wouldn’t they have contacted him when booking?

Anyway, they went to the shore and did everything we usually do – posting it all on social media – without us. I became even more upset when I saw the photos. I think it was a huge betrayal, to the point where I didn’t care to see them for a while.

My husband thinks I’m being petty and that I should forgive them and move on. He recognizes that what they did was hurtful and selfish, but he doesn’t want to dwell on it. I feel like something has changed in our relationship, and not in a good way. I see them in a whole new light and feel like they really didn’t want us there.

We have been very close friends for over a decade. I don’t know how to get over this hurt. This really dampened my spirits this holiday season. What should our next steps be? Break?

– Left behind

Dear Left Behind: Ask them honestly: “What happened with our New Year’s trip?” You might even tell them how you feel about what happened. They may not know what you’re thinking and they may be eager to make things right.

They might also feel something similar. It’s possible, isn’t it, that since you didn’t mention anything about the trip either, they might have thought you were moving away from them. Better to clarify things and establish better communication for next time than to end the suffering.

Dear Eric: I am a regular reader of “Asking Eric” and would like to suggest another idea for the letter signed “Dining Dilemma,” from an older couple who were upset that they could not afford to tip when they went out to eat. I’m even older and I solve this problem by going out to lunch instead of dinner. The food is just as good and there is usually some to take home for later. The biggest advantage is that it’s usually cheaper. My local restaurant has a special lunch menu: soup or salad, main course, dessert and coffee or tea. I live where tipping is required to be 20 percent, but the total is still less than a main course for dinner. Keep up the good advice, I appreciate your “good reading”.

– Good dinner

Dear Dinner: Lunch instead of dinner is another great option, especially for people who, like the letter writers, eat out several times a month.

I also want to correct something in my original answer. I wrote that “most servers make $2.83 an hour” and many readers, especially those reading from Oregon (hello and thanks for reading), pointed out that this was not accurate.

I regret the mistake. According to the Department of Labor’s Minimum Wage Table for Tipped Employees (available online at: https://www.dol.gov/agencies/whd/state/minimum-wage/tipped), the minimum cash wage varies from state to state. There are eight states and territories where the minimum cash wage is much higher, and restaurants are required to pay servers the full state minimum wage before tips. On the other hand, 29 states and territories have a minimum cash wage of less than $4, with the majority being $2.13.

Tipping remains a hot spot for many. But no matter how we feel about tipping, it’s not a system that servers created or perpetuate, any more than any of us created the expectations of our jobs. In the United States, the position has a built-in agreement that they will receive a tip for the work, which is often quite demanding. Additionally, servers are usually required to give a portion of their tips to bartenders, bussers, and sometimes other staff members. Being irritated that servers “expect” a tip is putting the blame in the wrong place. It’s not an ideal system, but it’s the system we live in. There are many restaurants where the diner pays a decent wage, and tipping is not part of the culture. It is useful for all diners to find out what the economic structure of your favorite restaurants is. It’s something you’re actively involved in, tip or not, so it’s good to know.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at eric@askingeric.com or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)

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